08/31/2013 03:51 EDT | Updated 10/26/2013 05:12 EDT

I'm Sick of Seeing Your Disgusting Feet

Most of us, if we could, would change at least one thing about ourselves. I'm guessing the most common changes would be weight loss, facial reconstruction, increased breast size, increased penis size, and reversal of hair loss. With the exception of penis size, all these changes occur above the waist because we do most of our interacting with each other from the waist up, which in turn cause insurmountable insecurities.

Still, there's one body part which doesn't get enough attention since it's located way below and far from immediate scrutiny. In my humble, politically incorrect opinion, most people should seriously consider getting a brand new pair of feet.

Living in the cold climate of Canada keeps our feet tightly cocooned in boots and shoes far away from the scrutiny of others for most of the year. But it's these long winter months that make most Canadians yearn to disrobe at the first sign of above-freezing temperatures. What inevitably happens after the first snow-melt of the year is an impromptu street parade of barely clad pedestrians suddenly freed from the shackles of parkas, long johns, toques, and gloves; they're overanxious to show everyone their taut bodies that have been worked on during the long winter.

So eager is everyone to strip away all winter attire and show off their new chests, new tattoos, tight packages, and firm butts that what often gets forgotten in the pre-spring grooming process is everyone's feet, as evidenced once shoes and socks are replaced with flip flops.

If you've ever wondered if extra-terrestrial life exists, look no further than every fifth person's feet. For some people, their feet resemble lost parts of Ridley Scott's Alien. It's enough for me to half expect Sigourney Weaver to come barreling around the corner to blast them off. For others, feet can act as stand-ins for J.R.R. Tolkien's hobbits, or could be used as Klingon foreheads. In other words, some people's feet are the closest that reality gets to science fiction.

Look, I fully understand that you can only work with what you're born with and it's hard enough keeping up with unrealistic societal pressures and mentally crippling body issues etc., etc. But then why is it that the people who need a pedicure the most are the ones flaunting their ghastly hooves? And the solution is so simple too! If you must insist on keeping your toenails at a glorious 3cm length accompanied by corns, fungus, calluses, bunions, ingrown toenails and overgrown toe hair, could you please wrap a sock around your eyesores out of consideration for people like me who almost upchuck our last meal upon first sight of your creepy peds?

With 8 to 10 thousand steps taken on average every day, the total daily force equaling several hundred tons, and 250,000 sweat glands located on each foot pair, it's only natural that one's feet take such a beating they'll eventually resemble what tree trunks look like after being run through a wood chipper or schnitzels after being relentlessly hammered by meat tenderizers. So instead of always looking up and forward, more people should try looking down at their toes once in a while. By doing so they'll realize an entire episode of "The Swan" could be devoted to their feet alone.

Before any more eyebrows are raised, I'm not exactly a foot fetishist, although women in very revealing open toe high heels will never fail to hook my attention even if I'm bedridden on a gurney being wheeled to an operating table. I'm not above scrutiny myself. In fact, I'm my own toughest critic. Rest assured, any time that was spent by me at a beach was done with socks and shoes.

Think I sound too finicky and dainty? Well guess what -- I also believe that morning breath should be exterminated with (gasp) toothpaste and feces be immediately wiped away clean with 3-ply toilet paper. There's no need to put the word "high" in front of the word "maintenance" when it comes to how I view foot upkeep. Just clean your feet before you decide to show them to the world in a pair of sandals, dammit! Despite what you might think, there's a good chance you have feet only a mother could love.

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