05/27/2014 12:34 EDT | Updated 07/27/2014 05:59 EDT

Things You Should Never Say to a DJ

Chris Ryan via Getty Images

Just going to mount my dj soapbox for a brief moment:

Saving you the long chain of events from my encounter with two moth creatures last night, I'd like to provide a few basic tips for not only interacting with a DJ but also, and more importantly, being a better human in general.

1. You're out, you're having fun, your friends are dancing, you want to hear a specific song. You approach the DJ and say "excuse me, pardon me, sorry to bother you" -- all these types of words work. What doesn't work, for me anyway, is "HEY, HEY YOU, BUDDY," or simply going right for the gusto with a "PLAY THIS SONG NEXT." (side note. If the dj has headphones on he/she cannot hear you, shocking I know, but true)

2. After you are politely told that a DJ doesn't posses the certain genre of music you were looking for, the correct response is, "oh okay shucks, thanks anyway, thanks for busting your hump for me and my friends for under minimum wage." Try to avoid beating a dead horse. "I'm sorry I really don't have any country music," really means that the dj doesn't have any country music. It doesn't matter how many times you inform him/her about how good the song is the fact remains that it's not going to appear out of thin air.

3. Technology: I am unaware as to who started this trend but typing your request into your phone and showing it to a DJ is not a real thing. Telling a DJ that you have the song on your phone and therefore he/she should magically plug it in to somewhere and play it is not a real thing. Telling the DJ to YouTube the song you desire is not a real thing.

4. As a pillar to your argument never inform the dj about how much you have spent at the bar already. The bar appreciates your business, a DJ appreciates your presence, but thinking that just because you and your gargantuan friend have, in your words, "spent one fucking thousand dollars" entitles you to anything musically is just silly. You paid for a beverage. You want a specific song just for you? That'll be 6.75$ plus tip.

5. You're heated, upset that the DJ can't give you and only you (please note the bar full of other human beings) what you want. Okay. That's fair. You are absolutely allowed to be bummed out. What you're not allowed to do is escalate it rather than end it. To be specific and personal for a moment, calling me a "piece of shit hipster faggot" is not the "goodbye, thanks anyway," I was looking for. Not only does it inform me that you have nothing left to stand on but it also shows me how near-sighted you can be. "Piece of shit"? Okay, fine. I'll give you that one. Talk to an ex-girlfriend of mine and there is a good chance they will agree with your accusation. I don't consider "hipster" a derogatory word. In fact, I find it to be a vague term used by people with no imagination (another status another time). "Faggot"? Grow up. I have nothing but love for homosexuality, heterosexuality and everything in between. You might as well have called me Pho lover.

This has been a short list of advice from someone who enjoys their job but has been put into these types of situations far too often.

Be smarter, more compassionate, less confrontational. You have options. You can go to another bar. You can visit a dance club. Or, if you feel yourself on edge you can grab some friends, grab some drinks, go to your apartment and put on your very own iPod. At which point, I will personally show up to your domicile and ask you if you have any 1998 progressive acid house from Germany. Oh, you don't? Well let me tell you what I think about that....

Just be kind to each other, please.


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