06/10/2016 11:45 EDT | Updated 06/11/2017 05:12 EDT

A Generic Stump Speech For Today's Candidates

There's no doubt about it; it's a long presidential campaign. With months still to go until the election, Republican and Democratic candidates have their work cut out for them.

The constant demands of the campaign dictate that candidates can't always deliver a crowd-rousing stem-winder tailored to a specific audience. Oftentimes they have to fall back on a generic offering.

In the interests of helping them succeed, I offer a generic stump speech guaranteed to please audiences of any political stripe:

My fellow Americans, it's a pleasure to be in the great state of ________. I've always felt a great affinity to your state ever since my ___________ settled/travelled/left here many years ago.

Thank you for coming out today, especially you swing voters who are so very special to me. It warms my heart to see so many people who care about our great nation and its future. Like you, I am concerned about where America has been, where it is and where it is going and, like you, I want to do something about it.

For too many years, the folks in Washington, D.C. have had things their way. Those evil, selfish, loathsome trolls have only listened to the wealthy elites and the corporate lobbyists. They haven't listened to the concerns of regular folks like you and me. If I am elected, that will change.

In travelling this great land of ours, I have heard one consistent message from my fellow citizens: you want change. Whether it is progressive change or regressive change or just some spare change for the parking meter, the need for change is everywhere.

Now is not the time to erect the barricades of fear against the armies of hope. Nor is it the time to stem the tide of change with the dam of hate. Whether the issue is health care, education or the economy, we can't continue doing business as usual. And that's why I promise you that I am committed to change and, once elected, I will do things differently.

I sympathize with your concerns. I, too, come from humble roots and thus know what it's like to work hard for an honest day's pay or, in my case, a legitimate retainer. And that's why I am dedicated to creating jobs and putting America back to work.

It's time that we got back to good, old-fashioned American values, values like dedication, commitment and compassion. I pledge to you today that I will resurrect and revive those old-fashioned values and compassionately dedicate and commit myself to making America work again.

My opponent wants to raise taxes; I want to lower them. My opponent wants to increase spending; I want to cut spending. He/she doesn't care about cats and dogs; I love cats and dogs -- and children, too. Our positions couldn't be more different.

When it comes to social issues, I am with you on crime control, birth control and gun control. Rest assured that whatever position you adopt on these important issues, I will stand with you 100 per cent.

Which brings me to family. I'm a big believer in family, such a big believer, in fact, that I actually have a family. I'm not sure my opponent can make that same claim.

Join with me in realizing our great country's potential. It's time to go forward not backward, upward not downward. We shall vary neither leeward nor windward but rather strive forever onward. We must be brave and courageous and launch a brand new future. God bless the United States of America and particularly the great state of _________.