07/10/2015 11:56 EDT | Updated 07/10/2016 05:59 EDT

The Republican Party Adopts a Playoff System

The NBA and Stanley Cup finals apparently gave Republican Party officials an idea. As the list of declared Republican presidential candidates approaches the number of qualifying teams in a professional sports league, they're reportedly giving serious consideration to adopting a playoff system. Here's how it might play out:

Wild card quarterfinal round

Top wild card seed Rand Paul of Kentucky won't get a bye but he will get the next best thing: a faceoff against Donald Trump, Ben Carson and Carly Fiorina. Let's face it; if Paul can't defeat these three crazies in a first round matchup, he shouldn't be running at all.

Clear pick: Rand Paul

The senators' knockout round

There are four remaining senators or former senators ready to go toe to toe in this preliminary contest. Look for veteran Ted Cruz from Texas to knock off not only South Carolina's Lindsey "Vapors" Graham and former Pennsylvania senator Rick "The Pope Knocker" Santorum but also early favorite, the youngster Marco "Hey I'm Hispanic" Rubio from Florida.

Likely winner: Ted Cruz

Southern governors' battle royal

That's right; there are four southern governors or former governors looking to run for the Republicans. Lightweights Bobby "Indo" Jindal of Louisiana and Mike "Double-wide" Huckabee of Arkansas will likely bow out early leaving Rick "Specs" Perry of Texas to duke it out with former Florida Governor Jeb "45 Wannabe" Bush. Bush just has to wait for Perry to put one or both of his feet in his mouth in order to move on to the next round.

Current favorite: Jeb Bush

Northern governors' quarterfinal rumble

There are four northern governors or former governors but only two serious candidates in this group. Former governors George "Who?" Pataki of New York and John "Huh?" Kasich of Ohio won't last long. Despite his scandal-plagued New Jersey administration, look for Chris "Bulldozer" Christie to score an early TKO against Wisconsin's Scott Walker.

Hands down winner: Chris Christie

Once the dust settles in the preliminary rounds, there will be two exciting semifinal matchups. The two governors' series leave us with an exciting Bush-Christie battle. Despite his family baggage, Bush should defeat the "Bridgegate Bully" in the best-of-seven debate faceoff.

Pick: Bush in six

The other semifinal sees Ted "The Anti-Canuck" Cruz taking on Rand "I'm Not Ayn" Paul in a battle of the right. Despite Paul's two-fisted ability to punch from both a libertarian and a Tea Party stance, Cruz usually manages to keep at least one foot in the sanity ring. Look for Cruz to win a wild, any-position-goes battle.

Pick: Cruz in seven

That leaves a final dustup between Jeb Bush and Ted Cruz. Although Cruz has the right wing chops to appeal to the Republican base, look for Bush to capitalize on his name recognition and proven family ability to win using whatever means necessary including the U. S. Supreme Court.

Winner: Jeb Bush

Next week, we'll handicap the Democrats' race.....for the vice presidential nomination, that is.