09/21/2016 11:24 EDT | Updated 09/21/2016 11:24 EDT

Give The Donald A Crown And Hope That Makes Him Go Away

William Andrew via Getty Images
King's Crown

The following excerpt is from the new humour collection entitled "King Donald I":

I'm not a psychologist nor do I play one on TV but I've watched enough television dramas to know a narcissistic egomaniac when I see one. And, not surprisingly, when it comes to narcissistic egomaniacs, Donald Trump is number one.

The problem, of course, is that this self-centered blowhard could become president and do a lot of damage. With his know-it-all, bull-in-the-china-shop approach to politics, the U.S. and the rest of the world would be at risk.

The solution is to find out what would satisfy Trump's egomaniacal cravings without putting him in a position to actually affect the lives of others. In short, what would it take to make The Donald go away?

Some say Mr. Trump wants to be America's all-powerful dictator, a modern day fascist demagogue. I don't think that's true. After all, when Ohio Governor John Kasich was offered the VP slot on the Republican ticket and was asked what responsibilities he would have, he was reportedly told that he could take on both domestic and foreign affairs.

In other words, Donald Trump doesn't really want to deal with the actual duties of the presidency. He desires the fame and attention that comes with the office but not any of the hard work. He just wants to use the presidential bully pulpit to become the Bully in Chief.

If we can come up with a new, highly visible position that gives Trump maximum exposure and public recognition without providing any actual powers, I suspect Mr. Trump would be more than happy to take it.

Some have suggested that his enormous ego needs could be met by making him Secretary-General of the United Nations, perhaps the closest thing we have to the leader of the world. While it's true that this position has the definite advantage of having no real power, it probably wouldn't work for The Donald since the incumbent must be skilled in diplomacy and seldom gets much attention.

A more fitting title for Trump might be emperor. The title connotes an all-powerful ruler over a wide-ranging domain. The question then becomes emperor of what? Wall Street? A small South Pacific island? The moon? It's not likely he'd settle for such a limited empire and unlikely that Americans would want to grant him more.

For Donald, the trappings of the position are far more important than the responsibilities. He needs public recognition 24/7 but without any obligation to read, research or learn. To that end, he might be happy as grand vizier or grand wizard, although the former suggests a Muslim incumbent and the latter a KKK supporter.

The neatest solution, in my view, is to adopt the British approach and have a constitutional monarch. All the pomp and circumstance rests with the king while the true power remains with the executive, legislative and judicial branches of government.

There is a precedent for this approach. In the beginnings of the American nation, George Washington was offered the position of king but turned it down.

Today, if Donald Trump were offered that same position, there's little doubt he'd snap it up faster than he'd buy a foreclosed, undervalued casino in Atlantic City. And that would solve America's Donald problem.

It might cost several hundred million dollars to provide all the royal trappings including a Trump Palace but that's a small price to pay to keep the nuclear codes out of Trump's tiny hands. Maybe the rest of the world (including Mexico) could be convinced to help pay for it all.

So, let's get on with the project as soon as possible. Why risk Trump winning the election in November? Set up a new American monarchy now and put it on offer to King Donald I. God save the King and probably America, too.

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