Ah, the quintessential happy home: Husband, wife, 2.3 kids, a dog, white-picket fence and Friday movie nights with the whole family cuddled on the couch, munching popcorn and enjoying each other's company.
Does this happy home still exist? Well, it depends on who you ask. Some people will say this lifestyle is an outdated concept or a domestic myth that only those most naïve of us still believe in. Marriage? Bah! It's only a piece of paper and a shiny ring. Those mean nothing.
Such mantras may be based in personal opinion, lifestyle choices or values. We're all entitled to those. Marriage isn't important to everyone, and that's okay. It doesn't have to be. Many common law or cohabiting couples are perfectly content -- even happier -- without the formal commitment of marriage.
Yet cynicism toward marriage can sometimes be reflective of personal disillusionment, such as going through a divorce or dating someone who won't make a marital commitment. It can also be reflective of personal agendas. Someone who doesn't want to formally commit to the person they are dating may say that marriage is meaningless -- until they meet "The One" they don't want to get away, that is. George Clooney, who said he would never marry, is a high-profile example of this.
It sometimes seems to me that those who discount the value of legal marriage -- and by default present co-habitation as a more modern or enlightened approach to relationship success -- often fail to look at the whole picture.
Cohabitation isn't without its own problems. Some couples who are cohabiting have different ideas about the relationship status. In a common scenario, the man is testing the relationship while the woman is assuming it is a definite step toward marriage. As a result, some cohabiting women find themselves in uncertain, unhappy relationships with no formal commitment. Is this a stereotypical picture? Yep. It's also a real problem for many women.
And what about the rate of relationship breakdown in each lifestyle choice? Yes, the divorce rate is high and legal marriage offers no "guarantees" of long-term relationship success. However, the rate of relationship breakdown among cohabiting couples is even higher. Why is this important? Well, perhaps it isn't -- until we consider the fact that many couples, whether married or cohabiting, will have children together.
A 2011 study by the National Marriage Project reported that about 25% of children of married couples experienced the break-up of their parents by 12 years of age; however, that number rose to 67% of children with cohabiting parents. This trend has been demonstrated even more significantly in other research.
Does this mean that children of divorced or cohabiting parents won't do well in life? Of course not. But neither does it mean that we should dismiss the positive impact that a stable parental marriage has on children.
The point of this article isn't to present legal marriage as the perfect relationship status for all people. We all of have different life circumstances and lifestyle preferences. Rather, the point of this article is to challenge those who say that marriage is just a piece of paper or an article of jewelry, and that it has no advantage over cohabiting. It does, and there is research to back that up. If there is credible research to back up the claim that cohabiting leads to greater relationship stability or provides a better environment for children, that is worth looking at, too.
But back to the beginning -- does the stereotypical "happy home" with married parents living under the same roof as their biological children still exist? After over a decade of working as an in-the-trenches couples' mediator and relationship expert, I can tell you that it does exist. Many men and women enjoy the devotion, comfort, stability, sexual access and life-long friendship that come with a good marriage.
They find profound meaning in the public and private commitment they've made to each other and they've managed -- to put it plainly -- to pick the right person and not screw it up. That "piece of paper" isn't an empty legality and that "shiny ring" isn't a mere trinket. Rather, these are important, identifiable symbols of the love and devotion they have for their spouse. They feel pride knowing that they have chosen to weather the storms of married and family life together, and raise their kids together in an atmosphere of stability and happiness. This is what legal marriage means to millions of men and women.
Yet happy kids and a happy home hinges on one thing: a happy marriage between Mom and Dad. The quality of a couple's marriage sets the tone for family life. Below are five general qualities to strive for (or avoid, as the case may be). They aren't exhaustive, but they are a good start.
1. Choose the right person. Many people in unhappy marriages admit that problems -- from infidelity and indifference to belligerence and overspending -- were evident even before they exchanged "I do's". Remember that dating is a screening process: when you see red-flag behaviours or disagree on fundamental values, move on. Our recently lost Maya Angelou famously said, "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."
2. Put your spouse first. Ask yourself: Am I doing everything I can, every day, to make my spouse's life easier and happier?" This is a simple way to maintain good vibes in a marriage and to motivate a spouse to similarly put you first. Unfortunately, some people will respond to this idea with a knee-jerk, "Why should I do that? I'm not going to put my partner first until he/she starts putting me first!" Yep, nothing like a good 'ol pissing contest to really strengthen the love in a marriage.
3. Model "grown-up" behaviour. Adults are increasingly exhibiting childish behaviour from know-it-all assumptions and temper tantrums to accusations and name-calling. Many have a "hair trigger" where they fly into a rage over nothing, displaying infantile over-reaction and self-righteous indignation when they don't get their way or when someone disagrees with them. These are the folks who trash-talk on social media, fire off lengthy hate-email missives, delight in angry moralizing, and manage to have every person in the home walking on eggshells. Buck this trend in your marriage by respecting your spouse's right to disagree with you and accepting the fact that the world doesn't revolve around you or your opinions. Model grown-up behaviour to your kids by showing self-restraint and civility.
4.Be pleasant to live with. A positive personality and voice tone can go a long way, as can humility, honesty and reliability. Learn to see things from the point of view of your spouse and kids. Share in the responsibility of parenting, housecleaning and managing money, and be supportive of your spouse's and kids' goals in life. Have an easygoing nature, and be the type of person that everyone in your family wants to welcome home with a hug.
5.Prioritize intimacy. Ensure that non-sexual affection, gestures of appreciation and loving words fill your marriage. At the same time, don't let sex fall off the radar. Couples who acknowledge the importance of both emotional and physical intimacy are more likely to model a good marriage for their children and set the tone for a happy home.
Debra Macleod, B.A., LL.B., is a leading relationship author-expert in Canada & the USA. Visit her website at MarriageSOS.com
You can also check out her newest book, Marriage SOS.
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