02/02/2014 10:46 EST | Updated 04/04/2014 05:59 EDT

A Football-Hater's Guide to Getting Through the Super Bowl

Ah, the Super Bowl. For some, it's a glorious time of celebration, for others (me) it's an exhausting day of screaming, confusion, and Doritos dust all over the place. Here's my guide to watching the Super Bowl when your partner is a fan and you're really, really not.

You've been hearing a lot about this Superb Owl thing happening on Sunday. You happen to love nocturnal birds, and your partner's really excited about it too -- win-win!


But then your partner sets the record straight -- this isn't about adorable birds, this is about football. YOU'VE BEEN TRICKED!!!


Since you spent so much time researching owls, you don't know the first thing about football. You just know it's about hitting


And occasionally trying to kick the ball through the "uprights" -- that's what they're called, right?


But mostly it's about hitting. Such violence! Wow!!


You're a nice person, so you decide to go along with it. You remember liking something about last year's Super Bowl anyway...what was that? Oh right. ONLY THE MUSICAL REUNION YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOUR WHOLE LIFE


Sorry, bro. Not going to top that this year


But back to the good parts. There are snacks -- lots of snacks! It's your cheat day, right? (It is now.)


And the game can't be all bad if it inspired the masterpiece that is Friday Night Lights


One more for good measure...


I also hear the women who inspired Portlandia's Women and Women First bookstore owners will be taking over @IFCPortlandia and live-tweeting the game. Like you weren't going to be spending the whole game scrolling through your Instagram and Twitter anyway


But there are some things to brace yourself for as well. Super Bowl is like being on an audio rollercoaster -- there are bursts of extreme sound every so often, and you never know what they're about so you don't see them coming. You'll probably spend most of the game like this


Or possibly like this


My advice on how to get through unscathed? Claim the comfiest seat in the house


Don't be shy with the snacks


And try to get into the game and get excited. You'll have way more fun if you do


After all, it's nice to be supportive of your partner's favourite hobbies


And if that's not enough for you, just remember that you have a reason to celebrate too -- TODAY IS THE LAST DAY OF FOOTBALL FOR A VERY LONG TIME!


P.S. Watch Saturday's new episode of GIRLS after the game. If you're anything like me, after all the snacks and yelling you'll be like


Then make your partner do the dishes. You've had a long day.

Good luck! team?