08/11/2012 07:48 EDT | Updated 10/11/2012 05:12 EDT

I am (a Gay) Canadian

Damon Devine, right, kisses partner Anthony Coca in front of Chick-Fil-A in Los Angles on Friday, Aug. 3, 2012. Gay rights advocates gathered at Chick-Fil-A's across the country to kiss in protest of the CEO's recent anti-gay remarks. (AP Photo/Grant Hindsley)

2012-08-10-donald.jpgRemember the "I am Canadian" rant? I think it's time for an update:

My name is Donald. I am a gay Canadian.

But I can talk about subjects that aren't "gay" and for the most part I do. And when I speak or write, I am expressing my point of view. No one else's.

So no cracks about this being The Queen's Speech today. With a voice like mine, you get used to it. I wake up a bass -- ok, alto -- and by evening I'm a soprano!

Don't assume all homosexuals are alike or like the same things. And just because you know a homosexual or two doesn't mean you "know" us or me.

And by the way, I am not a stereotype. I love pets, people, places and things just like straight people do. No more, no less. That's right I'm my cats' daddy - they love me and they don't care about my sexual orientation. So why should you?

And pul-leaze, don't ask me if I know how to decorate, style hair, or cook - I don't! Happy to disappoint you. I ain't got a queer eye for the straight guy so don't be asking me for advice. I dress like crap at home. My home is a mess. Probably why you'll never get an invite. At least that's the reason I'll give you.

To tell you the truth, my partner and I live like a couple of lesbians. Hey, you stereotype us! You think we don't each other?

Actually, we're more a Lucy and Ricky for the new millennium. I've always got some 'xplaining to do.

And cook? The first guy I dated made a crack about me breaking an egg yolk as it hit the pan. It's been take out ever since. Poor Maurice. We store A&P bags in our oven. That and dirty dishes.

And no, I don't enjoy wearing women's clothes or putting on make-up. And just because I look good if I do, don't assume I want to be a woman -- not that there's anything wrong with that!

But to just set the record straight -- if I had wanted to be a woman -- I would prefer to be a lesbian.

In fact, I did go to a Canadian hockey game, I'll have you know and had a great time. Of course, I wore thermal underwear 'cause I thought I'd freeze my balls off, and I didn't know they switch sides after what I call "intermission" so I cheered the enemy for a few moments until my friend who dragged me explained the "rules!"

And another thing. Being gay is not synonymous with sex. I for one have never had sex on a first date. I love being in a monogamous relationship. Anything in between is none of your business unless I make it so. So if you see me walking in a park, I really am there to enjoy the scenery and fresh air! Imagine.

And quit assuming that I was in the latest Gay Pride Parade. The ways to support a community are as varied as its members. There is no "one way." Besides, predictability is out, unpredictability is in!

Oh, and I don't think anyone should have to come out of the "closet." Nor should someone be outed before they decide to, if ever they do.

And I don't hate people of faith who think I'm a "genetic error" or condemn me for my so-called "chosen" lifestyle. Hey, I've discovered there are worse things than being labeled a sinner: hyprocrisy and self-righteousness. I divert the negative energy from indignation towards positive action. It's always easier to condemn the obvious, big bad bigot out there than to look at the prejudice within.

Sure, disagree if you will -- you have free will. But if you do, don't dim my light to make yours brighter 'cause my being "wrong" doesn't make you "right."

Don't hate me for being a homosexual. I don't hate you because you're not.

I AM CANADIAN -- every bit as much as you!