Sorry in advance for crushing all your childhood memories.
Having kids can make you see things through a very different lens, and even your most-cherished movies and TV shows aren’t safe. Comedian Amy Schumer was recently victim of this as she realized she can no longer watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” since giving birth to her baby, Gene. Under his eye, Amy.
And now “The Wonder Years” actor Fred Savage has revealed how having kids ruined all his favourite childhood movies, including “Big,” “Splash,” and “Sixteen Candles.” Oh god, please don’t take “Big” from us, too!
“They’re very problematic now, in this age of trying to raise socially aware, morally responsible kids,” Savage said in an interview Monday night on “Late Night With Seth Meyers.”
“We’ll be like ‘Kids, we’re going to show you a movie!‘, and they’re like ‘Great, what misogynistic, racist movie are you showing us today?’”
WATCH: Fred Savage ruins all your fave movies. Story continues below.
He’s right, of course. Many of our favourite movies have not aged well.
“Guys, it’s rough out there. Watch ’em again with a new lens and it all falls apart,” Savage points out.
So, behold! We did a dive into our childhood, and it ruined all our favourite ’80s movies and now we want to share the misery.
Childhood movies that look very different through a parenting lens:
1. ‘Big’
Aww, “Big.” Classic Tom Hanks. That piano scene. 1988 nostalgia. What’s not to love?
Right, how about the fact that a grown woman (Elizabeth Perkins) has a romantic and sexual relationship with a 13-YEAR-OLD CHILD. Sure, he’s in a man’s body, but that doesn’t make it any less creepy.
Then, as Savage points out, you might find yourself defending the storyline and saying “horrible things.”
“And you say, ‘But he was dressed like an adult! He was acting like an adult! How was she to know?’” Savage said.
“These are terrible lessons.”
Sorry.
2. ‘Splash’
Why yes, we are about to ruin another Tom Hanks classic for you.
“Splash,” the 1984 film about a man who falls in love with a mermaid, was funny, fantasy-filled ... a great family film, right? Ermm, maybe if you ignore the first 10 minutes, where “it’s a lot of nudging and winking about this guy taking a girl who can’t walk or talk up to his apartment,” as Savage points out.
Crap.
3. ‘Sixteen Candles’
Enough has been written about John Hughes’ 1984 coming of age comedy, “Sixteen Candles,” that we probably don’t need to spell out everything that’s wrong with the once-beloved movie.
The date rape? The racism? The fact that an entire sub-plot revolves around passing around an unconscious teenage girl? Ya, maybe skip this one with your kids.
4. ‘Labyrinth’
Another day, another 1980s fantasy movie that involves a grown-up seducing a child.
“Labyrinth,” a 1986 crown jewel in the collection of weird-ass ’80s movies, is a cult Jim Henson film starring Academy Award-winning actress Jennifer Connelly and the late rock sensation David Bowie. It is a masterpiece of puppets, story-telling, songs, and ... wait, why is Jareth obsessed with a teenage girl?
Why is he trying to seduce her? Is that a roofie-laden peach?
FFS.
5. ‘The Little Mermaid’
Sorry if this was your absolute favourite childhood movie, but a few aspects of Disney’s 1989 film “The Little Mermaid” just don’t hold up today.
For instance, Sebastian the crab has been called one of the most racist characters in any Disney film. And there’s also the matter of “Kiss the Girl,” the consent-bending ditty where Sebastian encourages Prince Eric to lay a smooch on Ariel even though she can’t say whether she wants him to or not.
Cool, cool.
6. ‘Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom’
Holy shit, did we really watch this as kids? No wonder our generation is so messed up.
Not only is the 1984 action-adventure movie “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” completely effing terrifying and dark (the heart scene above isn’t enough? What about the bug scene?), but there are 38 kills in it — and it’s rated PG, as Grunge points out. What?!
Oh, and it’s also suuuper racist. As Grunge describes, it has “reel-to-reel racism toward anyone who isn’t pale as Indy.” Not the least of which is directed at “Short Round,” Indy’s Asian sidekick.
Sigh.
7. ‘An American Tail’
First of all, now that you have kids, try not to sob your brains out at an entire storyline about an innocent little boy (mouse, whatever) who gets separated from his family while emigrating from another country to the U.S.
Eep ... 1986′s “An American Tale” might be just a little too on the nose in today’s political climate.
But while you may have watched this cartoon movie as a kid and interpreted it as a little mouse’s adventure in the big city, watch it again today and you realize just how frigging dark it was.
As Ranker points out, the entire film is an allegory for Jewish immigration in the 19th century. And it’s “chock-full of religious oppression, desperate families assuming their relatives have passed, and more.” There are hate crimes, the characters are mostly stereotypes, Fievel thinks his entire family is dead and then winds up in a sweat shop ... this is some heavy shit for kids.
Thank god it has songs?
Ugh, even those are bleak as hell.
Well, there you have it. We’ve successfully ruined your childhoods.
Thanks for joining us on this journey.