Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So, each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
My 4-year-old calls our microwave "the pizza heater," and there's nothing to correct because she's right.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 28, 2019
Kids like to annoyingly say mom to make you yell "WHAT!?!" and lovingly respond with "I love you" to make you feel like an asshole.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) May 29, 2019
Here’s a little song I wrote about kids during the school year it’s called “Hey I Know it’s 8 PM but I Need a Tri-Fold Poster Board for a Project That is Due Tomorrow” and a one and a two
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) May 29, 2019
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) May 29, 2019
There’s nothing more condescending than a 4yo correcting you while they’re in the middle of making up a story.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 27, 2019
We didn’t post pictures of our kid’s first vs. last day of school and our community is very concerned.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 29, 2019
my son’s begging to be home schooled so he can “take a really long lunch break” and like, that’s valid
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 28, 2019
I told my kids they could go to the pool this afternoon... They got on their swimsuits at 8am
— MonsterKing (@CerromeRussell) May 26, 2019
Did I serve my children unfrosted chocolate cupcakes for breakfast, rebranded as "chocolate muffins"?
— Becky Crossfeld (@beckycrossfeld) May 30, 2019
I'm available for all your marketing needs.
If a dad mows a lawn and doesn't brag about it did the lawn even get mowed?
— The Dad (@thedad) May 28, 2019
Me: please be careful. You are dripping your yogurt.
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) May 27, 2019
Toddler: don’t worry Mommy you’ll wipe it up
2yo: I want chips!
— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) May 25, 2019
Me: What do you say?
2yo: SAUCE
I just walked into the kitchen and found my 9yo crouched on the counter, reaching into the sink and cracking discarded eggshells for fun, if you're wondering what happens when you tell kids their screen time is over for the day.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 29, 2019
Me: heard you told your teachers you'll be leaving this Friday and going to your grandma's house for the rest of the school year
— Sabaa Tahir (@sabaatahir) May 30, 2019
7yo: yes
Me: but...that's not true
7yo: it's really none of your business
Me: pic.twitter.com/GxUYFDs7dT
Sign your kid up for sports so that someone else can yell at him for a change.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 30, 2019
The problem with buying Pizza Rolls and Bagel Bites for your kids is getting drunk and eating them before your kids ever have a chance to.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 30, 2019
“Birds are sleeping!” is what my toddler yelled in my ear at 6am to wake me up.
— Marissa (@natsmama75) May 30, 2019
Lucky bird bastards.
My toddler got a hold of my laptop for two minutes and opened at least twenty documents and programs I haven't seen in years. She also wrote a solid first draft of screen play. Can't wait to see what she comes up with after she has her coffee.
— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) May 29, 2019
The worst thing about being a parent is pretending I don't think homework is a scam
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) May 29, 2019
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