Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So, each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. In honor of Father’s Day, we wanted to highlight the hilarious dads of Twitter this week.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Family vacations are just day after day of your kid begging to go back to the hotel so they can swim in the pool.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 13, 2019
Welcome to parenthood. Yes, it's possible to have the worst day of your life before 6:00 AM.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 13, 2019
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) June 12, 2019
Me: Wake up.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 13, 2019
I didn't know that was an option.
Karen: “Since having children, my house is always full of love and laughter..”— Steve (@papa_can_preach) June 10, 2019
Me: “Since having children we no longer put the wine glasses away as they are so frequently in use..”
Laughing at a child’s joke is a great way to hear that exact same joke 8,000 more times.— The Dad (@thedad) June 13, 2019
Toddlers indoors:— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) June 10, 2019
Bounce off walls with relentless, destructive force.
Toddlers at playground:
Sit motionless on the swings screaming “HIGHER!!!” until both your arms, and will to live, are broken.
My 4yo remembers in explicit detail when she was barely 2 and threw up broccoli on me but has to be reminded to say “please” every single time she asks for something.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 13, 2019
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but it’s always me asking the questions and every question is “CAN YOU PLEASE FLUSH THE TOILET WHEN YOU’RE DONE?”— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) June 11, 2019
I've been microwaving the same cup of coffee since the day my oldest child was born.— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) June 8, 2019
Wife: how’s potty training been today?— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) June 10, 2019
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I’ve gained 30lbs since the kids. I’d like to get back down to my fighting weight so that I can fight the kids.— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) June 12, 2019
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) June 11, 2019
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Annoying parenting fact #4,377:— Daddy’s Digest (@daddysdigest) June 13, 2019
When a toddler goes to sleep at a normal hour it’s possible they’ll wake up early, but a toddler that goes to sleep at a late hour is guaranteed to wake up early.
*store furniture department exists*— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) June 9, 2019
It doesn't matter how long ago they last used glitter. One of your children will always have a single shard, glinting on their face.— Stewie (Daddy Rambles) (@stewteee) June 12, 2019