Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Me: I believe in gentle parenting.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) February 5, 2019
Also me: I swear to God, Sweetheart, if you don’t put your shoes on, Mommy’s going to lose her shit.
my son just called a coffin a “skeleton burrito” and somehow I’m the one on twitter— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) February 7, 2019
“We don’t wear what we slept in out in public”— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) February 7, 2019
-Me, lying to my child
Wife: She’s wearing her princess dress. Pretend you’re her servant.— Daddy’s Digest® (@daddysdigest) February 7, 2019
Me: Brush your teeth for 2 minutes.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) February 5, 2019
Child: How long is that?
Me: Sing the ABC song 4 times.
[2 mins later]
Child: I’M DONE
Me [standing in puddle of toothpaste drool, with toothpaste spit on every surface]: ok next time sing it in your head
Parent Russian roulette is when your child says “look what I can do” and you reply “that’s great” without even looking.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 8, 2019
[comes home from a day away]— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 4, 2019
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Things drunk me has in common with my toddler:— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 4, 2019
- repeats things
- demands cake
- repeats things
- won’t leave the cat alone
5: ew mom I can see your butt!— Janina Maria (@dontlosethekids) February 8, 2019
Me: THEN WHY ARE YOU IN THE BATHROOM WITH ME
My 6-year-old called ranch dressing "salad frosting" and now I'll never call it anything else.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 3, 2019
Had to make “Don’t lick the baby” a rule because toddlers are really, really weird.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) February 2, 2019
Do I miss having time to myself and sleeping through the night since my kid was born? Yes. But would I give up being a father just for the sake of the extra time in bed on the weekends? Hang on I'm thinking— The Dad (@thedad) February 2, 2019
I'm part of a family of four, so one of my main hobbies is hiding one player piece from every four person game so I can generously offer to "sit this one out".— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) February 4, 2019
Had a lot of leftovers from the Super Bowl Party and now my daughter is taking a ziplock bag of cocktail weenies in her lunch.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 4, 2019
My daughter was reading the dessert menu and became noticeably offended by the offering of “fresh fruit.”— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) February 8, 2019
Sorry the living room decor looks a little bland, we’re in between LEGO sets right now.— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 5, 2019
No one:— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) February 3, 2019
7: When rain comes out of the clouds, they're peeing. When snow comes out, it's cloud poop.
On Sunday, we converted my 3yo’s crib to a bed. On two of the past three days, he’s come into our room and woken us up at 4:40am.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) February 6, 2019
Long story short, I have some regrets.
Thoughts and prayers for my daughter, who suffered the devastating loss of the peanut butter being on the “wrong” slice of bread in her P&J sandwich, which has now ruined her entire life.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) February 6, 2019
Me: Yeah, I got snapchat cause I'm a cool mama— Tiffany (@MomO5Tiff) February 7, 2019
13: mom you snapchat me pic's of messes around the house with "clean now"
12: I blocked you months ago