When your partner’s once-endearing habits have become a major source of annoyance in your life, that’s a sign that you’re officially married AF.
Maybe it’s that foot-tapping thing they do when they’re nervous, the way they haphazardly load the dishwasher or the face they make when they sneeze. But when you’re able to find the humor in these quirks, married life becomes not just tolerable but actually enjoyable.
Below, we’ve gathered 32 hilariously relatable tweets about marriage that hit the nail on the head.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
— jdstalnaked (@jdstalnaked) November 3, 2019
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) October 25, 2019
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Me: I bought this thing secondhand for only $100. Brand new it’d be over $2000!
— Phil (@geowizzacist) September 28, 2019
My wife: Cool! What is it?
Me: No idea.
No one:
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) November 2, 2019
Me: Let the records show I was ready and in the car 5 minutes earlier than my husband said he wanted to leave the house by.
Take this candy away from me!
— Aunt Chelle 🌍 🇺🇸 🏳️🌈 (@ravenswng_) October 24, 2019
My wife: You really need to stop eating the vitamin gummies.
At midnight of 11/1 my wife magically turned a decorative pumpkin into a Christmas tree like some kind of pinterest fairy godmother.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 2, 2019
wife smiling: we should shower together
— brent (@murrman5) October 25, 2019
me thinking about how much body wash I have left: unlikely
My wife just yelled at me for sneezing if any of you were thinking of getting into a relationship.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 3, 2019
*pile of dishes in the sink*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 17, 2019
*laundry hamper overflowing*
*toothpaste smeared across the sinks*
*toys scattered across the house*
Husband: *leaf-blowing the attic*
My wife does this really cute thing where she talks in her sleep and tells me how much she loves me.
— dADDisms (@Beagz) October 25, 2019
So I always whisper back, “Awesome. We need a bigger TV,” cause inception is real folks.
As if marriage wasn't complicated enough, my husband has started backing into parking spaces. Please respect our privacy while we struggle to find a compromise.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) October 19, 2019
I like to spice things up, keep my wife guessing, give her those ‘WTF is happening, who is this guy’ moments.
— Daddy’s Digest (@daddysdigest) October 29, 2019
Yep, I ordered a salad at a burger joint!
Coming out of the dressing room at a store...
— Judy 🌺 (@judyohtweets) July 6, 2019
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Husband: Leave at 9 tomorrow?
— Life at Tiffany’s (@lifeattiffanys) November 2, 2019
Me: I was thinking 8?
Narrator: But they both knew they’d be lucky to get out of the house before noon.
Before marriage: Awww, it’s so cute the way you tap your foot when you’re nervous
— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) October 27, 2019
Married: IF YOU DONT STOP TAPPING YOUR FOOT I AM GOING TO LEAVE YOU
NEWLYWEDS: *feed each other cake from their own plates*
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 9, 2019
VETERAN SPOUSES: *use a ruler and knife to precisely cut cake into 2 equal pieces*
I'm "are we having sex or going to sleep" years married.
— What just happened? (@anxiouscougar) October 26, 2019
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Shit might go down tonight.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) October 23, 2019
Do that thing I like...
— Greg Fawkes (@DaddyGrownup) June 21, 2019
[Husband adds more cheese]
💦
Female Astronaut: [on historic first all-female space walk]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 18, 2019
Husband [texting from Earth]: hey where do we keep the dishwasher detergent
Hubs: I love you so much, I might clean all my clothes off the top of the dryer.
— Ohio mom of two (@OhioMomoftwo) October 26, 2019
Me: That's so hot.
...married sexy talk.
My husband just loaded the cups where the plates clearly go in the dishwasher so I guess we’re fighting now.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) October 25, 2019
For our six year wedding anniversary, my husband has scheduled his-and-her dentist appointments. 😂
— Emily Greene (@EmAsInMoney) October 17, 2019
My wife is traveling, please send me random tasks or yell at me for not doing them, so I don’t miss her much? Thanks
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 23, 2019
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of making weekend plans you can spend your Friday obsessively checking the forecast and waiting to hear if your kid’s sporting events will get cancelled.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 25, 2019
Me: *chews*
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) October 24, 2019
Wife: I will murder you if you keep making that sound.
Toddler: *chews just like me*
Wife: I have never heard anything more precious!
The only reason I agreed to marry my husband is for the cake tasting.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 1, 2019
Me - How do I Iook?
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 28, 2019
Wife - Fine.
Me - You sure? You don't sound positive.
Wife - I'm not going with you so I don't care.
There are two kinds of people.
— Judy 🌺 (@judyohtweets) November 3, 2019
People who can whisper
And my husband...
I playfully pointed out gray hair in my husband’s beard and we laughed and laughed. He then playfully pointed out gray hair on my head and we laughed and laughed as he set up his bed on the couch.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 3, 2019
The key to any successful marriage is being able to fake interest in wallpaper.
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) October 25, 2019
“BUT YOU NEVER REMEMBER THE TIME I CLEANED THE KITCHEN”
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 19, 2019
~Husbands in every argument
Before You Go
