āMom guiltā is a loaded term, even though most moms report feelings of guilt.
It implies that guilt is a natural, inescapable part of motherhood ā that we should feel guilty for letting our kids go to daycare, for bribing them with (Gasp!) screens so we can sit down, for feeling relieved when they finally go to bed and we can have a hot moment to ourselves.
And thatās BS. Weāre all just doing our best, right?
āGuilt implies that youāve made some sort of wrong decision; that thereās some other, better, less guilty working mom out there that you should aspire to be like. But erase that idea, because every single mother out there will admit to feeling guilt in one way or another,ā Lauren Smith Brody, author of The Fifth Trimester, said in a 2019 interview on Big Think.
āSo if it is just a lowest common denominator, letās just erase it, and treat for whatever feeling we actually have. If you feel regretful, if you feel conflicted, if you feel overwhelmed, if you feel unsupported, letās solve that problem instead of writing something off universally as mom guilt.ā
Amen to that, but thatās easier said than done when guilt is so often intertwined with motherhood.
To try to understand āmom guiltā more (and how to get past it) we asked Canadian moms what they feel guilty about ā or donāt feel guilty about, for that matterā and their answers surprising and refreshing. These moms arenāt so concerned with sugar and screen time, and many donāt feel guilty at all.
Some moms chose to remain anonymous to protect their childrenās privacy.
I feel guilty about: the climate crisis
āI experience crushing guilt and anxiety over simply have kids due to the current climate crisis. Iām fearful for what my kids lives will look like as adults. Major. Major. Guilt. Unfortunately, I canāt fix this alone.
ā Anonymous, Vancouver
āThe climate crisis and our inaction and the hell of a world we are leaving for our children weighs heavily ... I feel guilty for bringing privileged kids into a world where they will hoard resources, just like I do, at the expense and on the backs of third-world people and marginalized people. I feel guilty for taking advantage of my privilege and using it to maintain systems that keep us advantaged. Screen-time, diet, etc? Oh man. I wish I had enough energy left at the end of the day to feel guilty about something so easily fixable.ā
ā Alexandra Lee, Calgary
I feel guilty about: my kidās special needs
āI get flooded with irrational thoughts of guilt about my kidās ADHD diagnosis and because he has to take meds to manage it. I think, āDid I eat too much tuna when I pregnant?ā āDid I not have the right nap schedule when he was an infant?ā Thereās no known cause and thereās no travelling back in time, anyway. I wonder if other parents catch themselves feeling guilty irrationally.ā
ā Anonymous, Burnaby, B.C.
āI have a child who has special needs, ones not recognized by any sort of government funding and we struggle to provide the necessary private supports that he needs in order to function and feel successful.
We canāt provide: Special private school programs. Enrichment programs. Counselling. Better tutors. More OT. So much guilt over that. This was something I didnāt even consider when deciding to have a child. I work a second job to provide what I can ... my weeks total 60 hours to pay for basic tutor, one OT session a month and his $300 worth of meds.ā
ā Anonymous, Vancouver
I used to feel guilty, but I lowered my expectations
āI encountered a lot of guilt (both self-imposed and from others) right out of the gate as a new parent around breastfeeding issues, and since then ... my coping strategy across the board has been a commitment to being āgood enoughā and lowering my expectations as a parent but also as a partner, colleague, academic, friend, sister, daughter, family member, and community member.ā
ā Marika Warren, Halifax
I feel guilty, but I donāt feel shame
āI do not attach shame to my guilt. But I do have guilt, and I think itās minimizing to say we should just stop feeling it because itās gendered and manufactured. We are the products of our raising and society and media and social circles, and regardless of whether or not itās reasonable to feel guilt, many of us do. Telling us to stop puts even more burden on women to manage their and othersā emotional needs. Absolutely, have a wider social conversation and begin to change the narrative so we can stop others from absorbing that need to feel guilty. But not by saying that the real feelings we have are invalid.ā
ā Alexandra Lee, Calgary
I donāt feel guilty, period.
āI donāt have what I describe as āguilt.ā Guilt by definition implies that I have done something wrong ā and I donāt really take that perspective. Iām not a perfect parent. But I know that perfect is not possible. So I try my bestā some days my best is better than other days. But I keep moving forward. I do my best to not regret, but to learn, self-reflect and try differently next time. The idea that guilt is a requirement of being a parent is not one I believe. Parenting is hard, and the emotions associated with it are difficult to navigate ā but guilt isnāt one that I include!
ā Jaime Jenkins, Clementsvale, N.S.
āI donāt feel āmom guilt.ā I also somewhat resent the term since itās so gendered. Iām not a perfect parent and I know some parents feel guilty and Iām not dismissing that. But āmom guiltā is promoted and valorized as this inevitable right of passage and itās just not.
ā Anonymous, Vancouver
āI used to feel guilty when I was younger, now I just shrug it off as what works for us now. Thereās usually a reason my kids are eating more sugar (summer treats, and Iām feeling like āfun momā), more screen time (I have things to do, or Iām needing to keep them entertained, or I want āme timeā), buying them cheap dollar store toys (thatās all we can afford and Iām feeling like āfun momā). My boys are 13, 10 and five. I dropped feeling guilty about five to six years ago. We just do as we do.
I should also mention that, just because I donāt feel guilty doesnāt mean I think I do things perfectly. Iāve just lowered my expectations of myself, so we often have āgood daysā, since my standard isnāt as high as it used to be. We ate food: check, some if it was healthy: check, we were active: check, we went outside: check, we did something together that was fun: check (usually a board game or dancing to music).
ā Dawn Campbell, Vancouver