Moby, an electronic artist who was threatened by Eminem at the MTV VMAs in the early 2000s and who once described himself as âTaoistâChristianâagnostic quantum mechanicâ may seem like an unlikely source for lessons in healthy romantic and sexual relationships.
But, experts say his Natalie Portman-related debacle last week can actually teach us a lot about good dating practices, informed consent and masculinity.
A quick refresher: in his new memoir, Moby describes dating Natalie Portman when he was 33 and she was 20. When Harperâs Bazaar asked Portman about it, she said she was surprised Moby had characterized their time together as a relationship, âbecause my recollection is a much older man being creepy with me when I just had graduated high school.â She added that she was 18, not 20, when it happened.
Mobyâs initial response was one of defensiveness, accusing her of âactively misrepresentingâ him, before he finally apologized.
âIt was truly inconsiderate of me to not let her know about her inclusion in the book beforehand, and equally inconsiderate for me to not fully respect her reaction,â he wrote on Instagram.
âAlso I accept that given the dynamic of our almost 14 year age difference I absolutely shouldâve acted more responsibly and respectfully when Natalie and I first met almost 20 years ago.â
This happens more than youâd think: expert
Situations where two people remember romantic or sexual encounters in wildly different ways are more common than you might think, said Dillon Black, a prevention coordinator at the Ottawa Coalition to End Violence Against Women who uses they/them pronouns.
âThis is a case that we see a lot in the work that we do,â Black told HuffPost Canada. It speaks to the âlack of conversation around informed consent, as well as gendered power dynamics.â
One of the most striking parts of the story for Black was the way Moby framed the power dynamic. âThe way he describes it, he gives [Portman] a lot of power in the situation,â they say. âBut in actual reality, heâs the person who has more power and clout.â
Mobyâs book describes Portman as a beautiful celebrity who deigned to spend time with him, failing to account for the fact that she was also a teenage fan of a much older, internationally-renowned male artist.
Black says it sounds like Moby is relying on outdated myths about what kind of person is capable of crossing someone elseâs boundaries.
âMoby is kind of nerdy, and he seems like a nice guy,â they said. âOftentimes, we think of people [who are capable of this] as monsters. We donât talk about how itâs just everyday people that can have the capacity to do this sort of stuff, to cross boundaries, to not have consent.â
Another important part of the conversation, Black said, is the recognition that your intention is separate from the impact of your behaviour.
In a similar high-profile case in 2018, a young woman wrote about an uncomfortable sexual encounter she said she had with comedian Aziz Ansari. She wasnât describing a rape, but an experience that she felt was in some ways coercive. Many news outlets dismissed the story as an example of âMe Too gone too far,â rather than one about ways women can feel pressured into sex even when men donât intend to pressure them.
More and more men are starting to reckon with their behaviour, past and present, as we all collectively start to realize how disturbingly prevalent sexual misconduct is, whether intended or not. But as Mobyâs initial defensiveness demonstrates, that process is often not an easy one, said Michael Kehler, a research chair in Masculinities Studies at the University of Calgary.
âPart of what Mobyâs illustrating is this inability to be critically reflective on past experiences,â Kehler told HuffPost Canada. âIn some ways, itâs partially connected to masculinity ... to certain understandings of what it means to be a man.â
âItâs just everyday people that can have the capacity to do this sort of stuff, to cross boundaries, to not have consent.â
To re-evaluate what you experienced as consensual, and to understand that maybe the other person didnât feel that way, is to make yourself vulnerable, Kehler said â and some men arenât willing to do that.
âSome men become very defensive in terms of, âI donât know what the rules are anymore.â âHow can I go forward? âHow can I ever have a relationship?ââ he said. âAnd thatâs just a plain, flat-out defence.â
How can individuals start changing their behaviour?
Critical reflection on past mistakes is a worthwhile project for people of all genders, said Corey Turnbull, a Toronto-based therapist who runs a practice for men called Guys Resolve. âItâs a human project,â he told HuffPost Canada.
Building successful relationships starts internally, he explained. âIf a guy doesnât know who he is, or if he doesnât accept or like who he is, then he may feel insecure, anxious, or isolated. Compensating for these things is where thoughts, feelings, and behaviours can start to become unhealthy.â
One of the first concrete steps Turnbull would encourage men in this kind of situation to take is to take pen to paper. Write down your core values and strengths as a way to really know yourself, he said.
After youâve determined who you are, look at how you act: âWe can spend time looking at all areas of our lives and challenge ourselves by asking if we respect our core values in all areas.â
âThe ability to be self-reflective and to interrogate our conduct, our attitude, our behaviour, actually is very empowering.â
The next step is to identify times âwhere we could have been truer to our values,â he said. Without defensiveness, reflect on what could have been done differently. He recommends taking a positive approach: âfind ways to use our strengths to bridge the gap.â
Turnbull also recommends talking about all of this, as hard as it may seem, and as much as our own defence mechanisms try to prevent us from doing it. âWe may have blind spots that a good friend or therapist can point out,â he said. âTalk about what weâre thinking, questioning, and yes, feeling.â
And again, framing it in a positive way is often a helpful approach, he says. âMenâs responses to the rise of this topic should not be a defensive one, but rather one of rising to the occasion.â
For some men, looking critically at how their own behaviour may have been informed by destructive ideas may feel âdisempowering,â like youâre being told what not to do, Kehler said. But, communicating openly with your partner about your limitations or blind spots is actually the opposite, he says. âThe ability to be self-reflective and to interrogate our conduct, our attitude, our behaviour, actually is very empowering.â
For a long time, men who strayed from their traditional gender role in any ways have been punished, and while thatâs started to change, the road ahead is long, Kehler said.
âGoing forward is not easy, because the narrative is much longer in the years past,â he said. âWhat weâre inviting boys and men to do is to be other than what they have known for so long.â