Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
me: and that’s why we had no choice but to stan— Andrea Long Chu (@theorygurl) August 20, 2019
grandkid: wow... but what if you didn’t want to stan? could you just not?
me (gravely): no. we had to
being an adult is basically just lemon water and disappointment.— my name is no. (@om_eye_goodness) August 19, 2019
Sometimes, I want to pronounce pirates like pyr-ahh-tees to rhyme with Pilates.— roxane gay (@rgay) August 18, 2019
Me: I'll just do it this weekend.— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) August 18, 2019
Also me: It's the weekend. I should relax. I'll just do it next week.
2 guys who ghosted me keep showing in "Friends u may know" I'm actually impressed at FB's level of petty.— Luwanda (@LuwandaJenkins) August 17, 2019
please when the time comes leak my nudes and not my spotify most listened to playlist please— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) August 20, 2019
live and let live yes but if you make an instagram account for your baby and then write posts as though it’s the baby writing them you should have to go in prison for at least a little bit— beth mccoll (@imteddybless) August 22, 2019
[invention of wax museums]— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) August 21, 2019
me: we fill a house full of famous people
me: give em dead, glassy stares
me: To give them the clammiest skin possible, make em from the stuff in our ears
exec: This keeps getting better & better
The fact that Head and Shoulders doesn't have a body wash called 'Knees and Toes' disappoints me.— The Real Sassy (@TheRealSassy1) August 22, 2019
Try as they might, there was no escaping the Labor Day Mattress sale.— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) August 20, 2019
I’m “get unreasonably attached to something they sell at Trader Joe’s and freak out when it seems like they no longer sell it” years old— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) August 21, 2019
I think if I'm really good in this life, maybe I can get reincarnated as one of Lizzo's backup dancers.— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) August 22, 2019
just heard a woman say “if i don’t get a drink immediately i will fight everyone in this airport” and you know what i support it— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) August 17, 2019
me at 16 screaming at my mom: i'll never be like you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!— Scaachi (@Scaachi) August 20, 2019
me at 28 screaming at my husband: don't throw out the dahi container we can clean it and use it as tupperware!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feels like if cicadas are allowed to just sit in a tree and scream i should also be— dewclaw (@whynowhy) August 22, 2019
“Are you mad at me?” - my Real Housewives intro— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) August 17, 2019
i need to turn safe search back on pic.twitter.com/jU1FzcNbTO— tara shoe (@tarashoe) August 20, 2019
Just followed a stranger around for 3 blocks bc he was whistling the Robin Hood rooster’s song so well. Please rescue me when I inevitably, voluntarily join a cult someday— Karen Chee (@karencheee) August 22, 2019
Me, whispering and teary-eyed after reading the "Enjoy!" note at the end of my frozen dinner instructions: "Thank you, friend."— Jessica Kane (@jesskane31) August 19, 2019
The only thing a bar has ever cut me off from is karaoke.— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) August 20, 2019