The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or fewer.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets of the Week newsletter here.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
— Sophia Cadogan (@sophiacadogan) September 2, 2020
the only thing more embarrassing than my browser history is my calculator history
— Living Morganism 🌱 (@ok_girlfriend) August 30, 2020
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these. pic.twitter.com/yOAdEt7C0Y
— Bad Example™️ (@mozarellaastick) August 30, 2020
I’m like a chicken nugget: tough on the outside, soft on the inside, a hit with the children, often found at Costco
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) August 31, 2020
Thinking about the time that I said that I was distantly related to Marie Curie and a guy explained “It’s pronounced Mariah Carey”
— Eileen Mary O’Connell (@i_Lean) September 1, 2020
Saying ohhhhhhhhhh when you still don't understand>>>>
— Jannat (@hashjenni) September 1, 2020
big news!!!! just got a lovely email from a guy I think was trying to liken me to 18th century philosopher Immanuel Kant but he must be really bad at spelling and capitalizing
— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) September 3, 2020
I am not a scientist, so what I am about to say may sound very dumb. But I have been bitten by a ton more mosquitoes this year, and my best guess is that it is because (and forgive me if this seems obtuse) I’m sexier.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) August 30, 2020
Imagine having the confidence of the people who kept re-opening Jurassic Park like 'lol don't worry I'm sure it'll be fine this time.'
— Ella Zee 🌈👑 (@EllaZee5) September 2, 2020
Whoever hashed a brown. Boy you deserve an award!
— DeeThaDon 🖇 (@Superiordara) August 30, 2020
I miss going on a date with a man and watching the light in his eyes disappear when he realizes that I’m funnier than him.
— Marquita (@MarqRobinson) August 31, 2020
today is not sept 1st it is march 184th
— mars (@mariumqaz) September 1, 2020
[first day as a Dominatrix]
— krispy 🌮 (@KrispyTacoBelle) August 29, 2020
Me: "Oooop sorry!!! Did that hurt?"
When you try to use your religion to justify your hatred and bigotry that’s called amensplaining.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) August 31, 2020
I don’t want to exercise. I want to have exercised.
— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) August 31, 2020
when I was little I used to be VERY scared of monsters under the bed until one night my mom finally just said, "look, the monsters you're afraid of honestly have a lot on their plates so they don't have the time to haunt you" and honestly that worked
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) August 31, 2020
being high at home is so funny I feel like a sim I started cooking then started washing dishes now I’m just standing in a corner
— ella✪ (@manicpixiewnnab) September 1, 2020
I don't like puppies. I like old dogs who put a serious paw on your arm as if to say "The jerk I lived with before this buried a treasure map. I still remember where it is. Get your car keys."
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 2, 2020
Accidentally just replied to a boy I fancy off my HAMSTERS Instagram account goodnight
— KT (@Kateleeex) September 1, 2020
You ever find your soulmate, but he has a stupid beard and you're like "Oh well, that's that."
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) September 2, 2020
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