The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
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SOMETIMES I WISH RENTING A MOVIE WAS STILL A SPECIAL TREAT YOU PLANNED A NIGHT AROUND
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) August 5, 2018
I am "my friends are all pregnant with their second kids and I have spent the whole day trying to figure out which plants to buy" years old.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) August 5, 2018
Imagine naming your son Benedict. And people ask you "oh like Benedict cumberbatch?” And you’re like... “no, like eggs Benedict.”
— Lili Reinhart (@lilireinhart) August 7, 2018
my two moods are “i can’t believe i get to be a person” and “i can’t believe i have to be a person”
— J. Jennifer Espinoza (@sadqueer4life) August 4, 2018
What's your favourite painting of Nicolas Cage trying to breastfeed a smaller Nicolas Cage? Here's mine: pic.twitter.com/Wq7ZAGFGRd
— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) August 7, 2018
does anyone else apologize to the waiter when they bring you the wrong order? I AM SO SORRY I HAD THE AUDACITY TO ASK FOR NOT WHAT THIS IS
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 5, 2018
guy on the street said “what’s up ma” i said “not much, just bloated” and we both kept on walking
— beth mccoll (@imteddybless) August 7, 2018
90s TV shows made me think that obstacle courses would be a more important part of my adult life
— Brit Bennett (@britrbennett) August 6, 2018
Gender reveal parties are sexist. My pregnancy announcement will just be me setting this $12 box of Tampax on fire.
— Tig Notaro (@TigNotaro) August 7, 2018
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. Typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) August 5, 2018
ME: I wish someone would flirt with me
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) August 4, 2018
SOMEONE: *flirts with me*
ME: *vomits*
omg I just heard a mother say “let’s play the silent game” and her two kids fell for it what a boss
— Julia Carrie Wong (@juliacarriew) August 6, 2018
my roommate & her boyf at 3am:
— jackie quinn (@llcooljackie) August 8, 2018
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
me at 3am:
∧_∧ maybe i don’t get
( ・ω・) Maroon 5 because
_| ⊃/(___ i haven’t seen
/ └-(____/ Maroon 1-4
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I’m writing a song called “make it clap for democracy” just so you know where I’m at emotionally and artistically
— Ziwe (@ziwe) August 6, 2018
AMERICAN COOKING COMPETITION: I came to WIN. I need this money for my daughter's brain surgery and I will DESTROY the competition with KNIVES AND CROSSED ARMS
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) August 9, 2018
BRITISH COOKING COMPETITION: ahhhI hope my souffle is good! probably isn't, but I tried!
it’s really rude of my older siblings to not be married and have kids right now like don’t they know that my years of being a cool fun aunt are fleeting??? geez
— kelly (@kelllicopter) August 9, 2018
Opening twitter for the 3rd time in 20 minutes pic.twitter.com/Gnf7FKjFKg
— Quinta (@quintabrunson) August 8, 2018
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) August 7, 2018
When u got gossip on your siblings pic.twitter.com/RBsa4kqr4D
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) August 8, 2018
My idea of a quality conversation is quoting vines back and forth to each other for hours
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) August 5, 2018
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Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
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