The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings.
To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets of the Week newsletter here.
Welcome to your 40s. Leave the closed captioning on, you’re gonna need it.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 11, 2019
Whoever decided how much space should exist between tables in restaurants/cafes has so obviously never met a butt before
— alanna bennett (@AlannaBennett) February 11, 2019
$20 at Trader Joe’s: dinner for four, two bottles of wine, tub of gelato
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) February 12, 2019
$20 at Whole Foods: a big avocado
“I might stop by.” - Beyoncé at her own house.
— kels (@_purplepoetry) February 9, 2019
it was my nephew's 100 day and none of us were worthy pic.twitter.com/wGuYKNwERc
— lorr (@LorraineYe) February 10, 2019
don’t fuckin worry 90s food pyramid, im getting 11 servings of carbs a day honey
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) February 12, 2019
Sometimes I will reply "hahahah" to a friend's text & feel like I deserve a medal for my service to humanity
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) February 11, 2019
saw a raccoon eating trash by the elementary school near my house and yelled “yeah bitch” which is how i know i am absolutely too online
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) February 12, 2019
my anxiety waking me up at 3 a.m. to remind me of some awkward social interaction i had in my early twenties pic.twitter.com/5ZDHKxzi2l
— Chantal Braganza (@chantalbraganza) February 11, 2019
I wasn’t in a sorority but I have had the deepest convos in women’s bathrooms so I think I get it
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) February 13, 2019
My mom got me a Valentine’s Day card from *my* dog, which is a weird way to find out I’m never getting married
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) February 10, 2019
My 5-step skincare routine for looking younger:
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) February 13, 2019
1. Close the blinds
2. Close the curtains
3. Never leave the house
4. Live the hermit life
5. Drink lots of water
my whole personality is just 'watched erin brockovich on a loop when i was 13' and im sure that shows
— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) February 11, 2019
me arriving only 9 minutes late to therapy pic.twitter.com/JT0xeWu8Pt
— Catherine Cohen (@catccohen) February 11, 2019
gearing up and bracing myself to consume one (1) alcoholic beverage then get a headache and think about everything i have ever done wrong
— tiffany (@radioheadass) February 10, 2019
I correctly lined up the two sides of a Ziploc bag on the first try I’ve never felt more drunk with power.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 14, 2019
We really had to take selfies with the phone flipped back and not knowing what we looked like until like 2 seconds afterwards. Gen Z will never understand. That's why we r tough
— bolu babalola (@BeeBabs) February 13, 2019
saying “my battery is low and it’s getting dark” will now be how i exit any and all social events.
— kim beans (@KimmyMonte) February 14, 2019
HOT TIP: IF YOU GIVE YOUR MOM FANCY PASTA IN A CLEAR PLASTIC BAG AS A GIFT, SHE WILL TREASURE IT FOREVER BC IT'S TOO "NICE" TO USE.
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) February 13, 2019
you can tell “thank u next” is a perfect album for 2019 because it’s somehow both extremely sad and incredibly horny
— Caroline Darya Framke (@carolineframke) February 10, 2019
Support HuffPost
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Whether you come to HuffPost for updates on the 2024 presidential race, hard-hitting investigations into critical issues facing our country today, or trending stories that make you laugh, we appreciate you. The truth is, news costs money to produce, and we are proud that we have never put our stories behind an expensive paywall.
Would you join us to help keep our stories free for all? Your contribution of as little as $2 will go a long way.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you’ll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.