The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets of the Week newsletter here.
Afternoon me: Ooh, I can bake this salmon, do some potatoes, sautée some spinach and arugula. That’ll be good.
— Nichole ✨✨✨ (@tnwhiskeywoman) January 21, 2019
Evening me: *eats a sleeve of thin mints*
If I owe you an email, please find some comfort in the fact that my every waking hour is haunted by my debt to you
— Kate Aronoff (@KateAronoff) January 19, 2019
Is it possible to Marie Kondo too hard? Threw out everything. Got rid of my mom. I’m not wearing any pants. I’m cold. I don’t know where I am
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) January 19, 2019
Sitting in my high-backed chair, drinking tea with a thick blanket draped across my lap, like the vengeful recluse I plan to become during my twilight years.
— Julia Gulia (@JRobb773) January 21, 2019
half my friends hold me accountable for my bad behavior and half blame it on whatever the moon is doing which is the balance i need
— tiffany wines (@radioheadass) January 23, 2019
the thing i really like about showers is taking them but the thing i really hate about showers is getting into them and also getting out of them
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) January 21, 2019
16 year old me: how do i finesse my way into this party
— arabelle sicardi (@arabellesicardi) January 21, 2019
26 year old me: how do i finesse my way into antiques roadshow
There is no point in attending an estate sale if you don't desperately grasp an antique mirror, shout "Richard? Are you in there??" and then, hearing nothing, dejectedly cross the address off a list.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 20, 2019
America’s true national pastime is feeling vaguely disgusted by the New England Patriots.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) January 21, 2019
some of you never paced in a blockbuster for 3 hours and it shows
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) January 22, 2019
the only thing better than a new episode of housewives is a really old episode of housewives
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) January 19, 2019
I’m gonna need more wine cause this pizza is not exactly what I bargained for pic.twitter.com/xgzHKyKrob
— Carly Ledbetter (@ledbettercarly) January 24, 2019
The government doesn’t want you to know this but mini oreos taste better than oreos
— Quinta. (@quintabrunson) January 20, 2019
there should be an anthology that comes out every year called NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL WRITING
— Emily Gould (@EmilyGould) January 22, 2019
i want to be invited to a super bowl party where i can eat lots of chips n dip and then leave so i can be in bed by 8:30
— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) January 24, 2019
The coffee shop is playing that one song from the To All the Boys hot tub scene and yet there is no Peter Kavinsky in my vicinity, I would like to speak to the manager
— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) January 19, 2019
A group of crows is called a murder.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 24, 2019
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
It’s raining in LA and truly I want a refund on my plane ticket, my house and my office. I did not come here for this behaviour.
— Lilly Singh (@IISuperwomanII) January 17, 2019
Me going to explain something I literally learned about 5 minutes ago pic.twitter.com/OgI5xK73JH
— Tinker Elle (@elle91) January 21, 2019
DATE: did you really expect it to be four hours of wolves dancing?
— Jill la Jill (@JillianKarger) January 21, 2019
ME: *arms crossed* don't talk to me
Support HuffPost
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Whether you come to HuffPost for updates on the 2024 presidential race, hard-hitting investigations into critical issues facing our country today, or trending stories that make you laugh, we appreciate you. The truth is, news costs money to produce, and we are proud that we have never put our stories behind an expensive paywall.
Would you join us to help keep our stories free for all? Your contribution of as little as $2 will go a long way.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you’ll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.