The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― and succinct ― wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or less.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets of the Week newsletter here.
woke up already excited about going back to bed tonight
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) July 15, 2019
personally i think its really cute how artists continue to put out new songs when they fully KNOW that nothing will ever beat 3OH!3’s lyric, “tell your boyfriend if he says he’s got beef that im a vegetarian and i aint fuckin scared of him”
— trish (@ULTRAGLOSS) July 18, 2019
the crazy thing about being single is that instead of texting every single thought i have in a day to someone, now they just stay in there
— Eva Victor (@evaandheriud) July 14, 2019
not sure anything or anyone has ever disappointed me as much as that Instagram swimsuit everyone loves
— Nicole Chung (@nicole_soojung) July 16, 2019
clock: go to bed
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 18, 2019
brain: google marmosets i dare you
THERAPIST: And what do we do when we feel sad?
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) July 15, 2019
ME: Fill a fountain drink with every flavor & let the lord decide whether it tastes good or not
THERAPIST: No
moviepass: where are they now?
— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) July 16, 2019
I aspire to the confidence of someone who dares cover a Simon & Garfunkel song
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) July 15, 2019
If a yoga class starts at noon, it should end with tacos. NamaYAY.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) July 17, 2019
"you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice-"
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) July 14, 2019
Tired of my mockery, the 5'2" sous chef barrels out of the kitchen, pummeling me to death
my barista gave me a free matcha so I am making an appointment at Davids bridal wish me luck!
— Jennifer McAuliffe (@JenniferJokes) July 13, 2019
be the overly friendly, immediately supportive girl in the women’s bathroom telling strangers they look “SO CUTE” you want to see in the world
— How To Be Alone (by me Lane Moore) is out now (@hellolanemoore) July 17, 2019
I will never forgive some of y'all for making me think mamma mia: here we go again would be good
— carla (@carlawaslike) July 17, 2019
The slogan for 7UP should be “Sorry you have an upset stomach.”
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) July 18, 2019
When a song fades out at the end with vocals, I imagine they used a shrink ray on the performers in the studio until they disappeared
— LadyBusiness (@LadyBusiness_) July 16, 2019
Mental health: maybe let’s rest and take a break
— sassy sunflower (@amandaasette) July 13, 2019
Me: online shopping? Last minute trips?
Mental health: reLAx
Me. N E W T A T T O O S!!! Let’s spend MONEY!!!
Mental health: oh my god
qualities I am looking for in a husband:
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) July 13, 2019
-good at opening jars
-good at taking pictures of me (portrait mode)
that's really pretty much it tbh
*tips the box of cold brew almost all the way over trying to get the dregs of that sweet sweet caffeinated nectar into my cup*
— muna mire (@Muna_Mire) July 18, 2019
Is there anything more middle-aged than having a suspicious mole frozen off your leg at the dermatologist’s office while their sound system plays a Huey Lewis song you danced to at prom?
— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) July 18, 2019
Me: I don’t give a fuck
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) July 18, 2019
Also me: Should I have put “f*ck” instead of “fuck” or maybe used IDGAF or do people not use IDGAF anymore? Is it supposed to be in all caps or does using lowercase letters imply you give even less fucks? Should I use punctuation or
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Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
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