The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets Of The Week newsletter here.
Grant me the serenity to not read the comments, the courage to not read the comments, and the wisdom to not read the comments.
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 26, 2018
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) July 25, 2018
Not respecting Beyoncé is literally a romantic dealbreaker for me, I have checked out of a date before because a guy said he she was "alright, I guess, kind of overrated". It was so funny I didn't even realise what my face did till he said "Shit I've fucked it innit"
— bolu babalola (@BeeBabs) July 25, 2018
me: i have a health thing
— Jill Capewell (@capeybara) July 25, 2018
dr: this health thing is exacerbated with stress. have you tried being not stressed?
twitter: *exists*
2018: *continues*
me: oh no
I threw old kale under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in yoga pants and requesting coconut water.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) July 25, 2018
how is august next week?!
— buku (@_bybuku) July 23, 2018
september is basically tomorrow.
it’s already 2019.
happy new year.
Got passport pictures today. The lady kept saying "I'm trying to get both your ears." Which ruined my fantasy of the TSA guy squinting at my passport and going, "So, Ms. 'Holmes,' how long have you had [waggles his finger at me] the two ears?"
— Linda Holmes (@lindaholmes) July 26, 2018
me: god i'm exhausted, i'm going to sleep
— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) July 25, 2018
my computer: great idea but first here's two hrs of 'cats licking ice cream' videos you totally have to watch
me: ok good call
Why do sharks only get a week but impeachment is taking over a year?
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 25, 2018
This looks like the last thing you'd see before waking up in a bathtub of ice with one of your kidneys missing. pic.twitter.com/EWYQOKRtkX
— shauna (@goldengateblond) July 26, 2018
If I can’t trust you like I trust my eyebrow lady, we can never be.
— Melania-Luisa (@feministmami) July 23, 2018
Who are we?
— Maggie Sage Hunter (@swaggie_hunter) July 23, 2018
SINGLE YOUNG PROFESSIONALS
What do we want?
FOR PERISHABLE GROCERIES TO BE SOLD IN SMALLER PORTION SIZES
At the grocery story I saw an 80 year old woman buy 6 bottles of wine, a pint of ice cream & a pack of bear claws. Not all heroes wear capes
— Sarah (@thetigersez) July 20, 2018
retainer: in ✅
— gracie hoos (@cottoncandaddy) July 24, 2018
inhaler: huffed ✅
sex appeal: gone ✅
yo i hate honors college boys i just asked this guy “hey why aren’t koalas considered bears?” and he hits me with “they’re marsupials” shut up nerd the answer to the joke is “they don’t have the koalafications”
— claire (@clairedaniellem) July 22, 2018
when you don't have enough water you get a headache
— editor's choice (@RenShaye) July 25, 2018
me: nah I'm good
my body: please
me: yeah no
body: drink the water for fucks sake
me (on the ground, dying): it doesn't taste good
🎼everything I do, I do it for you🎼 —me to my dog and no one else
— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) July 25, 2018
Please do not tell me to stand up straight, I’m a tall slightly curved floor lamp and that’s all there is to it
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) July 24, 2018
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
— Jaime Lynne (@Jaimelynne7786) July 22, 2018
You ever rinse a spoon and that bitch rinse you right back?
— rad dad (@ohemgeeijizzed) July 21, 2018
Support HuffPost
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Whether you come to HuffPost for updates on the 2024 presidential race, hard-hitting investigations into critical issues facing our country today, or trending stories that make you laugh, we appreciate you. The truth is, news costs money to produce, and we are proud that we have never put our stories behind an expensive paywall.
Would you join us to help keep our stories free for all? Your contribution of as little as $2 will go a long way.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you’ll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.