The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― and succinct ― wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or less.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets of the Week newsletter here.
Me, age 25: I’m sure by 35 I’ll be driving an Audi
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) June 9, 2019
Me, age 37: WHERE DO ALL THE FUCKING SOCKS DISAPPEAR TO
yeah sex is fun but have you ever had universal healthcare
— ziwe (@ziwe) June 11, 2019
Punched myself in the face while pulling up my covers if you were looking for a goddess in the bedroom
— drop dead whoregeous (@Mom_Overboard) June 13, 2019
all i want is a SUMMER FLING that turns into LOVE is that SO MUCH TO ASK????
— anna borges (@annabroges) June 9, 2019
“honey, it’s cheaper than therapy!”- me leaving urban outfitters with $300 worth of crop tops after my therapist forgets about and therefore cancels our $100 session
— Catherine Cohen (@catccohen) June 12, 2019
that high-stakes moment of the evening when I try to decide how many courses of snacks I will need based on how many murder mysteries I think I will watch
— Nicole Chung (@nicole_soojung) June 11, 2019
I pull up just as the arrow turns green. I guess we know who the VIP of this intersection is.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) June 9, 2019
He was a punk, she did ballet
— ⓓⓤⓓⓐ (@emaydee_) June 9, 2019
What more can I say? pic.twitter.com/MZeeBYkwir
sometimes i will read a paragraph in a book so good i have to put the book down and just think about it for a second like a wise old turtle
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) June 9, 2019
I live in constant fear of the return of low rise denim
— Sweatpants 🌈her 🔶 (@House_Feminist) June 10, 2019
I want to delete the cookies from my eating history.
— Carbosly (@Carbosly) June 13, 2019
Project Runway and Top Chef where they surprise the casts and make them switch shows for the season
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) June 13, 2019
my anxiety olive garden bread
— kim monte 🏳️🌈 (@KimmyMonte) June 12, 2019
sticks
🤝
unlimited
Every night before I go to bed I sit and wonder........how come.......every time he come around my London London bridge wanna go down? ....My London London London? My London London Lon......Don?
— Rachel Pegram (@rachelpegram) June 10, 2019
dug up my yahoo answers account on this fine morning and it DID NOT disappoint pic.twitter.com/c0hmZotvm6
— Samantha Tomaszewski (@managewski) June 13, 2019
I probably need to calm down about how excited I get when the music in my car plays in time with the windshield wipers.
— Heather (@HavingFunYett) June 10, 2019
me, a cancer, tallying up all the people who have been mean to me pic.twitter.com/YYlsM4AObB
— Rose Dommu (@rosedommu) June 11, 2019
walked into the bar bathroom and a woman was taking pix in the mirror and apologized for it and i said PLEASE DON’T and then i did a full on photoshoot for her, she looks great, she is using the pix for her dating profile, i love the women’s bathroom
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) June 12, 2019
why did me learning all of the *NSYNC dance moves never amount to anything
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) June 13, 2019
If you’re gonna do a bouquet toss at your wedding, at least have the class to scream “Grasp at my crumbs, ye dogs!!!”
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) June 9, 2019
Support HuffPost
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Whether you come to HuffPost for updates on the 2024 presidential race, hard-hitting investigations into critical issues facing our country today, or trending stories that make you laugh, we appreciate you. The truth is, news costs money to produce, and we are proud that we have never put our stories behind an expensive paywall.
Would you join us to help keep our stories free for all? Your contribution of as little as $2 will go a long way.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you’ll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.