The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― and succinct ― wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or less.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets of the Week newsletter here.
A couple: *kissing in public*
— Fossilized Tree Resin (@Jamberee13) May 9, 2019
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
my favorite podcast? just the first seven minutes of every single one that’s ever been recommended to me
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 9, 2019
2:00 AM - can't sleep
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) May 5, 2019
3:00 AM - can't sleep
4:00 AM - can't sleep
5:00 AM - can't sleep
5:57 AM - falls in slow motion down a dreamlike rabbit hole... the kind of sleep you only see in luxury mattress commercials
6:00 AM - ALARM
your wcw sits on her bed in her outside clothes
— doreen st. félix (@dstfelix) May 10, 2019
enjoying a nice pedialyte on the rocks this fine morning
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) May 5, 2019
90% of confirming plans is hoping the other person will cancel
— How To Be Alone (by me Lane Moore) is out now (@hellolanemoore) May 10, 2019
not ashamed to admit that game of thrones is on past my bedtime
— ziwe (@ziwe) May 6, 2019
once again it's time for kristen's famous pasta!
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) May 7, 2019
step 1: open the wine
step 2: put the water on to boil
step 3: go on the internet
step 4: drink all the wine
step 5: something is burning ????
step 6: eat doritos
I’m Not Shy I Just Don’t Like You
— Hailee Steinfeld (@HaileeSteinfeld) May 5, 2019
if/when I give birth, the announcement email won't say "mother and baby are doing well" but instead say "mother and baby are frazzled as hell, this is an insane thing that just happened, do you understand that???"
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) May 8, 2019
LADIES LEAVE YOUR MAN AT HOME
— Arya Morgendorffer (@vinabean) May 6, 2019
THE NORTH IS FULL OF WILDLINGS
AND THEY BEARDS ARE FULL GROWN pic.twitter.com/bHVzVC50uu
been feeling v. powerful since getting my upper lip threaded yesterday
— i didn't say fuckin yee (@sammie_scottie) May 5, 2019
being a babyfaced old soul is great because people are constantly confused by your age. am i 18?? am i 24?? am i 35?? am i an 800 year old swamp witch that stays youthful by eating the hearts of men? honestly anything is possible
— Rebecca Mix (@rebeccarmix) May 7, 2019
Me waking up on 2 hours of sleep and trying to fix it with a cute outfit pic.twitter.com/eabAQzZBpX
— Samantha Tomaszewski (@managewski) May 3, 2019
A thing I could never be in is a cult and that is because I need too many naps
— jami attenberg (@jamiattenberg) May 9, 2019
jlo has been wearing the same nude glossy lip longer than ive been alive
— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) May 7, 2019
Ahhh I heard my neighbors having sex last night which made me so embarrassed because if I can hear them that means THEY can hear ME not having sex
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) May 4, 2019
Who tf does Gmail think I am with "Copy That!" Disgusting pic.twitter.com/pI0EVlzzx5
— Sarah Hagi (@geekylonglegs) May 9, 2019
Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor is absolutely the name of the dude in every Edith Wharton novel who sits in the same opera box as the protagonist and is always making comments like “when did Pearl return from Paris anyway? I thought she was a continental girl”
— rachel syme (@rachsyme) May 8, 2019
1999: I'll marry rich and never have to work again
— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) May 10, 2019
2019: I'll marry rich and only have to work one job
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Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
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