The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
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Look, I’m not in the mood for an artisan margherita pizza when I get home from work at 1am. I want that Dominos, baby.
— Lili Reinhart (@lilireinhart) October 11, 2018
this year for halloween i am going as anxiety, which will be depicted as the three dots that show someone is writing you a text
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) October 10, 2018
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) October 8, 2018
Mirror: Girl, you look cute! You should take a selfie!
— bassey ikpi (@Basseyworld) October 11, 2018
Me: I do look cute, right?? I'ma take all the selfies!
Front facing camera: pic.twitter.com/JiiNbRm3nL
I just spent $175 to get a $35 bridesmaid dress tailored and I guess this is adulthood
— Sammy Nickalls 👻 (@sammynickalls) October 11, 2018
Did you know 9 billion hens are slaughtered each year? That’s 9 billion chicken ghosts. The astral plane is positively overflowing with birds. It is hell’s waiting room, the chicken plane.
— madds (@whatmaddness) October 10, 2018
Waiter: so ... you don’t want the chicken?
Me: no ... yes, the chicken please
When I'm ready to leave my house for the motive but one friend just said she just got out the shower n the other said she hasn't even got home to change yet pic.twitter.com/DA3NfP0OIN
— bolu babalola (@BeeBabs) October 9, 2018
Please remember when you troll a powerful woman that the only person you’re really upsetting is her mother and that bitch never did ANYTHING 2 u
— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) October 7, 2018
i ordered my 2019 planner which if you think about it is optimistic thinking we're all gonna live to 2019
— kylie spOOKS 🖤🥂⚾️ (@kyliesparks) October 8, 2018
{concert}
— kim 🎃☠️👻 (@KimmyMonte) October 10, 2018
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) ONE SECOND, PLEASE
If anyone from Gen Z ever asks me what the late '90s were like, I'm gonna show them this episode of Charmed with a guest performance by Paula Cole.
— Judy Berman (@judyberman) October 11, 2018
I think the women of America need Stanley Tucci to roll up his sleeves, pour us some wine, and make us some handsome pasta. You know, after the riot.
— lyzzie borden lenz (@lyzl) October 8, 2018
So... Kanye is MAGA and Taylor Swift is endorsing Democrats in TN. This screening of Interstellar 2 is fascinating. Buy a lottery ticket. Anything is possible in this timeline.
— roxane gay (@rgay) October 8, 2018
I’m a kind person, but if I let you into my lane during rush hour, and you do not give me a courtesy wave, I will follow you home and set your car on fire.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) October 12, 2018
I don't like the person I become when the grocery store cashier bags my groceries out of the order that I put them on the belt.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) October 7, 2018
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
— Elle (@ellentee) October 7, 2018
Me: Thanks, it's food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
junie b. jones
— kelly (@kelllicopter) October 9, 2018
susan b. anthony
michael b. jordan
women b. shopping
The most relatable character is “all characters played by Kathryn Hahn.”
— Gremliny Nussboo (@emilynussbaum) October 7, 2018
Welcome to your 30s. You use the phrase “at this hour” now.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 10, 2018
life is short! adopt a dog, adopt another dog, then adopt a third dog, maybe that one needs a buddy, grab one more just in case
— Kristen Arnett of the Living Dead (@Kristen_Arnett) October 10, 2018
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Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
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