The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets Of The Week newsletter here.
Directions: Allow food to sit for one minute before consuming.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 20, 2018
Me: No.
I like my men like I like my taxes: avoid until legally impossible
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) March 18, 2018
me in my 20’s: I should put some extra money aside for a new wardrobe and traveling the world
— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) March 21, 2018
me in my 30’s: I should put some extra money aside for honey crisp apples and a really nice pair of scissors
To give a good high five, watch the other person’s elbow. Keep watching it. Binge 5 seasons of it. It’s undoubtedly overrated.
— Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) March 19, 2018
Considering buying a dresser that's 62" long so I laid down in various spots on my bedroom floor to test layouts bc I AM 62 INCHES TALL!!! Most fun I've had in months
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) March 18, 2018
Everything in my food journal after 3 pm just says "sorry".
— Tinker Elle (@elle91) March 20, 2018
Shout out to the cab driver eating an ice cream cone at 8:50am. I see you living your best life.
— Ashley Nicole Black Panther (@ashleyn1cole) March 20, 2018
Me: I’m super chill.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) March 18, 2018
Also Me: *has this saved on my phone for frequent use in conversations* pic.twitter.com/teOokT8jCi
I had a really sexy dream about my husband. How lame is that
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) March 19, 2018
My tombstone will simply read:
— Lindsay Hunter (@lindsaydevon) March 21, 2018
(END OF THREAD)
there's no one i trust to fix the subway more than miranda hobbes, the person responsible for the best new york transportation-related simile on tv pic.twitter.com/gSo6f5JzMG
— Hannah Giorgis (@ethiopienne) March 19, 2018
just passed by a karate dance competition in the mall—literally kids doing choreographed karate routines set to battle music—and thought, wow i wasted a lotta fuckin time taking tennis lessons
— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) March 18, 2018
It's 5:00 time to go home and change into something with an elastic waist.
— Sardonic Tart 🇮🇹 (@SardonicTart) March 19, 2018
Girlfriend: *likes the picture of someone she made out with once two years ago*
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) March 20, 2018
Me: *drives around WeHo blasting Lemonade from start to finish*
getting ready to start dating again pic.twitter.com/YjEKmOng9i
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) March 18, 2018
I try to be very polite but if Toto's "Africa" comes on in the middle of a conversation, you gotta shut up.
— Morgan Jerkins (@MorganJerkins) March 19, 2018
i just want a panera bread bowl and attention
— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) March 19, 2018
“Hi, yes, I’d like to hire one DJ for my cool teen house party? I just need them to be able to record scratch and stop the music when an undesirable walks in.”
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) March 19, 2018
I don't have any baby fever, but a picture of a dog will make me weepy in two seconds.
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) March 18, 2018
I’m in bed drinking red wine and reading reviews of different meditation apps and I’ve never felt so 31 years old before
— Ash (an female) (@adult_mom) March 21, 2018
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