The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets Of The Week newsletter here.
Whenever I save the numbers of my female friends’ male partners in my phone, I use the Handmaid’s Tale model for their last names, so Anthony OfBianca.
— Lesley "Nakia" Arimah (@larimah) April 14, 2018
i’m at a cool part of my adult life where a rice crispy bar gives me heartburn
— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) April 17, 2018
I talk a lot of shit for someone who refills her bird feeders regularly
— NotJPo (@Peauxtassium) April 17, 2018
Should I start whitening my teeth with charcoal or just face my actual problems
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) April 17, 2018
TSA Agent: Does your middle name Cassandra mean anything?
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) April 20, 2018
Me (excitedly): Yeah! Prophetess of Doom!
TSA: ...
Me: ...
TSA: ...
Me: ...it also means Entangler of Men.
here i am seconds after i’ve cut my own bangs pic.twitter.com/LuwlWuSbr8
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) April 18, 2018
Completed the KonMari method of tidying up and now only have 1 son bc the other 3 refused to dab for me and thus didn't spark any joy.
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) April 16, 2018
The more I eat the hungrier I get. It’s like some sort of food benjamin button shit
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) April 20, 2018
when sites have free shipping over $100 and free returns, acting like i'm not gonna order an extra $80 of stuff purely so i can return it pic.twitter.com/0Ihh2zXMB6
— ur m8 raddles (@angharadyeo) April 17, 2018
*adds shit to her to-do list after she's already done it just so she can cross it out and feel productive*
— Zeba Blay (@zblay) April 19, 2018
tonight’s Law And Order: SVU ep has a guy who calls a woman a “millennial poptart.” please refer to me as such whenever possible.
— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) April 19, 2018
I just fell up the escalator and it was honestly a humbling experience.
— Ziwe (@ziwe) April 18, 2018
Me: Hold on, I'll get my wallet. I tell ya, at my age, you don't know how nice it is to get carded.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) April 17, 2018
Doorman: Yeah, like I said, mam, this is a Costco, and we're just checking to make sure you're not stealing that five hundred count case of mini quiche.
Flamingos over Albania is my new ska band name. I called it.
— Imani Gandy (@AngryBlackLady) April 20, 2018
They’ll be opening up for Dreadlocks of Circumstance
It's 8 p.m. on Sunday. Do you know where your anxieties about unpleasant hypothetical situations for the upcoming week are?
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 15, 2018
Running shoes? No, I don't run. These are my cake gettin' shoes.
— JC Tarp (@jctwritesstuff) January 15, 2018
me to myself when i should have been tucked in and sleeping pic.twitter.com/nKccPCM7EY
— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) April 20, 2018
I can make pasta enough for zero or 25 people. There is no in between. Anyway, though, you guys hungry?
— B 🐝 (@vtbee80) April 18, 2018
if you don’t love me at my
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) April 18, 2018
“Best Regards, Broti Gupta, 10th Grade Class President”
then you don’t deserve me at my
“xo b”
co-worker: hey! what's up
— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) April 17, 2018
me: did u identify more with mary-kate or ashley when u were growing up i was def a mary-kate
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