Canadian coffee and fast food chain Tim Hortons has been targeted by relentless internet torment this week over their new smoked sausage breakfast sandwich.
Yes, the sliced sausages look like hot dogs. More precisely, they look like hot dog chunks that will roll right out of the sandwich. This is not a classy thing to hold while running to catch your bus. No, you gotta find yourself a table, bunker down to eat and hope for the best.
But this is not the only WTF item currently on the Tim Hortons menu. As part of a limited time partnership with Nutella — a well-respected spread that can and should be eaten straight out of the jar with a spoon like a gremlin — the chain released mini-pancakes stuffed with chocolate-hazelnut goodness.
I have many questions. Are these served warm? Do you still put butter and/or maple syrup on them and then die of a sugar coma? Do they taste good?
Based on photos posted on social media, they seem to come from the bakery display, much like a doughnut or a cookie, which leads me to believe you’re meant to eat them like a doughnut or a cookie.
Which is fundamentally not how you eat pancakes.
Not to pick too much on a brand some perceive as a national institution, I’d like to pivot to some other fast-food breakfast items that have me wondering, first of all, why, and secondly, who approved this, and finally, is it actually good?
First off, McDonald’s. Their breakfast options seem relatively tame. But upon closer inspection, they advertise their bacon-egg-lettuce-tomato (BELT) bagel sandwiches by bagel type, forcing me to contemplate this clear possibility: a BELT on a cinnamon raisin bagel.
The warring flavours of salty bacon, gooey egg and spicy cinnamon aside, the bites of bacon and raisin in one mouthful sound like a textural nightmare. Absolutely not. Do not want.
Moving right along. Did anyone know about Burger King’s breakfast? They’ve created an abomination and named it the croissan’wich. Why would you ever speak about this? Is it good? Is it an instant heart attack? I don’t know because I’m distracted by the Enormous Omelette Sandwich.
This item’s main selling point, according to its description, seems to be that it’s large. That’s about it. “So big, breakfast will never be the same,” the BK website proclaims.
Sometimes, you don’t have time to go to a proper food establishment. Sometimes you duck into a coffee shop to get your morning dose of caffeine so you don’t fall asleep in a meeting, and then you think, “Hey! Maybe a quick bite would be good too.”
Second Cup is one such place, with a few standard breakfast sandwich options. But one thing stands out: the egg white, pesto and Swiss cheese on naan. Why is this on naan? Nothing else on the menu screams Indian-inspired. This is an enigma.
On the healthier side, Freshii might be the place for you. They have a variety of breakfast wraps and bowls — and the Green Eggs & Kale. Some people like kale and don’t think it tastes like dirt, so this might be great for that group, but I object to a Dr. Seuss reference when the eggs aren’t even green.
Let’s wrap up with a breakfast item from smoothie chain Booster Juice. There’s nothing inherently wrong with their Sweet Greens Bowl. Yes it’s a bowl of green goo, but stranger things have happened in 2019. But something about blending together kale, spinach, mango and pineapple juice and then dumping hemp and chia seeds on top and calling it food and not a drink strikes me as strange.
The ominous vibes are not helped by the allergen alert that mentions possible traces of fish. Why is anything at this smoothie establishment near fish? Thinking about it too hard hurts me.
Maybe that rolling-around hot dog sandwich isn’t so bad after all.
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