05/05/2017 05:02 EDT | Updated 05/12/2017 11:48 EDT

Why Cookie Dough Cones Could Be 2017's Worst Trend

Close up shot of chocolate chip cookie dough.
NicholasBPhotography via Getty Images
Close up shot of chocolate chip cookie dough.

Please, hear me out.

If you're anything like me you straight up worship raw cookie dough. And I'm talking some serious devout s**t. You have a shrine in your bedroom, you wear a cookie dough cross around your neck, and you believe dō Cookie Dough Confections is heaven on Earth. You've journeyed to this holy place and you've swapped stories with fellow pilgrims. "How long did you wait in line?" to which a war-torn pilgrim responds, "Three days." Another pilgrim, reclined on the sidewalk, mid dough coma responds, "It was so worth it!"


But was it?

Raw cookie dough is blowing up. Scratch that. Dough has blown it. It's old news. We've all seen the mesmerizing social media posts, the decadent heaps of divine dough, the swirling sprinkles - scoop porn if you will. We've had our fair share our dough puns... #doughlicious #justdoughit #dreamsdoughcometrue

But how is the public faring now that they've had their fix? Sure we all lined up at first, I mean, our childhood -- okay adulthood dreams were coming true. Being a doughvout cookie dough lover myself, news of the cookie dough cone had me in disbelief. Could it be true? Was someone so brave? So innovative? So doughtermined? (Sick of the dough puns yet?!)

Enter Kristen Tomlan. The 28-year-old founder of dō Cookie Dough Confections. She's sort of like a God in the dough world... In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth... and God said, "Let there be cookie dough cones." That's a real quote. From my imagination. But like all good quotes, it's based in truth. Tomlan, a proud Mid-westerner, inspired by her mother's baking and her own childhood fascination with unbaked cookies, set up shop in Greenwich Village and a cookie dough Mecca was born. The people came in droves but like most fads, I predict the people will move on, the lines-ups will dwindle, the rent will rise, and the dough will almost inevitably turn to cookies.


But why?

Guys, it's mock cookie dough goo. Okay. I realize what I just said is blasphemous. You may think I'm a traitor, a doughciple no more (you're sick of them now...) but if there's one thing I know it's real-honest-to-god-loaded-with-the-possibility-of-salmonella cookie dough. Hang on. Am I endorsing salmonella? No. But this lady does. Sort of. And she lived to be 117-years-old so we have to believe her.

And yes, Tomlan's cookie dough contains some eggs. They just happen to be the pasteurized kind (because of food safety regulations) ((lame)). And, regrettably, my taste buds know the difference. To put it more eloquently... the dough just doesn't taste right - doughsgusting, if you will. (I love dough puns, okay!?)

When I made my way to Greenwich Village I was hopeful and hungry and maybe I shed a tear because the thought of raw cookie dough in a cone is magical, dare I say transcendent. And when I finally got my cone, the cone I'd been dreaming of pretty much since the dawn of time, my taste buds cringed, my stomached churned, I was hit with one of the worst sugar comas of all time. The cookie dough goo settled in my stomach and suddenly the sight of sprinkles -- God's confetti -- made my head spin.

It's just too much dough. There was a reason your mother, father, caregiver, what have you, would swat your hand away from the bowl and that's precisely what made raw cookie dough taste so good. It's the forbidden fruit. And unless someone starts serving up cookie dough cones with a side of disapproving mother I just don't think I can get on board. #doughverit.

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