07/09/2012 11:11 EDT | Updated 09/08/2012 05:12 EDT

How Women Use Sex as a Weapon


The round of your behind, the curve of your breast, the middle of your spine, the sexy way you walk --these are all things that can get men into a frenzy about their wives. It can be something as small as the way you walk, talk, sometimes even breathe that make your mate go crazy and want to engage in sexual activity. Sex is a normal activity between two married people. Sex is used to procreate along with making us feel good but what happens when sex is used for something more sinister?

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Think of this scenario that happens in bedrooms all across the world: As you climb into bed, your mate whispers to you, "Honey, let's have sex." Still angry about the argument you had earlier, you roll over and reply, "I'm not in the mood" and go to sleep. Defeated, your mate rolls back over and goes to sleep. Sex has just been used a weapon to punish your spouse for an argument you've had earlier in the day.

This scene happens more times than we think. Legitimately, sometimes we as women are tired from a long day at work or from dealing with the kids. However, more times than likely it's because we don't feel like our spouse deserves sex -- we are using it as a weapon, reward or both.

A couple of nights ago my husband and I were hanging out with some married friends of ours when we got on the subject of sex. One of our friends remarked that because her husband had been "good" all week she'd have sex with him that night. We all laughed and chalked it up to "the old married life" but it got me thinking: when did sex become a tool to get what you want out of your spouse? Did this happen all the time?

If I wasn't "in the mood" was I inadvertently punishing my husband? Needless to say as the conversation continued, I was confused. Some of the wives at the table reasoned that sex had to earned by their husbands. Ultimately, if their husbands were "well behaved" they would be rewarded with sex.

The husbands chimed in and despite them hating this power play, they went along with it to get their wives to "put out." As we continued the discussion, I realized quickly that sex is used as a weapon and reward in relationships. It gives the person with the decision (usually the wife) the power and can be used to leverage men into doing what us women want them to do.

As my husband and I drove home we laughed at how crazy some of our friends sounded. Who uses sex as a reward and a punishment? When did that start? Apparently this goes on in more households then we thought. This conversation made me examine how the process of deciding to have sex occurs in my household. When I am angry with my husband do I refuse to have sex with him? If I need for him to lay tile in the kitchen do I promise sex as a reward? No, but I have been guilty instead of using sex as a means to show my love for my husband. I've used it as a weapon and reward to get what I want.

Despite us ending our conversation that night, I began to casually question both my male and female married friends about their thoughts on this phenomenon. Shockingly, a lot of my friends echoed the same thoughts of the first couples we were with. Many of my male friends said they didn't care if their wives were mad at them, they still wanted sex. However, women responded that they will use sex as weapon to get what they want or to reiterate when they're angry.

I've came to the conclusion that I'm not perfect, especially in something that is so personal and private as my sex life. But now I'm determined to use sex as a pronouncement of love -- not as a weapon or reward.

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