04/03/2015 11:22 EDT | Updated 06/03/2015 05:59 EDT

18 Tiny Sounds Guaranteed to Keep Your Baby From Falling Asleep

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Baby sleeping on bed

If your child is anything like mine, he can sleep through the apocalypse, once he's deep in sleep. Seriously, 15 minutes into a nap, the fire brigade could pull up in front of our house with sirens wailing, and he wouldn't do anything more than sigh deeply and roll to one side.

However, falling asleep requires a special kind of silent juju that I still haven't got straight, after two kids. You might be the sort that leaves your baby in the room while he's still awake, and he just falls asleep contentedly every time. But, for the other 98 per cent of us, getting the timing right so that your arm doesn't fall asleep, but the baby won't wake right back up when you put her down, is a talent.

Here, in no particular order, are the things that will send your baby from dozing peacefully to babbling excitedly, as though a nap had already taken place. Which, you know, it hadn't.

1. The cat meowing in the hall. Even once.

2. Your partner sneezing in the next room.

3. The baby's sibling calling "Mama" from the other side of the house.

4. The microwave beeping.

5. The dishwasher beeping.

6. Any goddamn thing in the house beeping.

7. A dog down the street barking.

8. You, yawning.

9. The collar of any animal you may own, jingling.

10. The floor, creaking within a 25 foot radius.

11. A truck driving by your house.

12. Snapping your nursing bra back together.

13. Accidentally cracking your knuckles.

14. The toilet flushing.

15. The front door closing.

16. The shower curtain jangling, as someone steps into or out of the shower.

17. Quietly getting up from wherever you were sitting/lying as baby was falling asleep.

18. The bedroom door creaking as you're trying leave the baby's room.

Yes, it's true! You, too, can have a baby who thinks he's had a real nap, when all he's had is two and a half minutes of dozing. Now you only have to survive another hour or two of cranky baby time, before you can try this all over again!