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05/29/2014 05:35 EDT | Updated 07/29/2014 05:59 EDT

Secrets of a Reformed Girl Hater

I used to be one of those girls who said I didn't like girls. Now I'm really embarrassed. I am a reformed girl hater. I still have a ton of dude friends (whom I also love and am obsessed with and think the world of and enjoy the person I am when I am with!) but I learned how to be a good girlfriend.

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three girlfriends eating icecream

I used to be one of those girls who said I didn't like girls. Now I'm really embarrassed. That's an insane thing to say. I'm a girl, my sisters both are, my best friend is one, my mom is one, most of my comedy idols are. So what the fuck was I getting at?

My best friend in elementary school was a boy. From Grade 2 'til Grade 6 we rolled together hard. It was as much of a ride or die situation that two nine-year-olds can have. Like some snips and snails and puppy dog tails style shit. We caught bees, froze them 'til they fell asleep, tied string around them, thawed them and then had bees on a leash. He gave me an appreciation for slot car tracks and mini sticks and riding your bike down a set of stairs and swearing with gusto (lessons I will be eternally grateful for!) It was awesome. I never had to try, or say the right thing,or change. We just had fun.

Then we were 14 and it got weird. He got to still be a shit head (I mean "shit head" in a positive way! Someone who is really funny and the life of the party and doesn't take anything too seriously and has a magnetism about them. I show love in weird ways! I know!) and I had to wear eyeliner and talk about boys. I didn't know what I was doing. I remember going to ballet class and watching all the girls arrive and give each other squeals and hugs and feeling totally lost. So, I tried really hard to fake it. I committed hard to being a girl's friend. I stocked up on Seventeen magazine and Sex and The City DVDs and taught myself how to be friends with girls. I bought in to an idea of what I thought sisterhood maybe was. It kinda worked for a bit too (or at least I thought it did) I met some amazing, smart, fun, beautiful young woman who were kind enough to take the social inept chick under their wing.

I genuinely had amazing times with these young women but the friendships I learned from watching MTV's Laguna Beach didn't seem to last. I cycled through groups of girlfriends and would either piss someone off or get pissed off. I had learned from somewhere (maybe my own brain) that girl friendships were supposed to be intense and dramatic and overly-sensitive. I was a bitch, or pretended to be a bitch, or something and I fucked up my chances of having lasting friendships with a high schools worth of ladies. I resented that I was this person around girls. I started hating them. I was mad that I couldn't be myself and I took it out on girls that had no idea what I was going through. My pop-culture idea of female friendships didn't fly. I was really bad at it. So what did I do? I got a boyfriend!

This was an amazing idea! I had a boy best friend again but still fit in to a socially acceptable high school girl aesthetic. Foolproof. It was like I had permission again to go back to my shit head sensibilities. I settled in to Back to the Future marathons and Guitar Hero and all it cost me was the occasional boob grab (a small price to pay!) I felt like me again. I could relax and didn't have to play some weird character that I thought girls wanted from me. It worked for a while but eventually I got lonely. I had all this stuff going on and changing in my life and no one to talk to about it.

Eventually I lost the boyfriend and the bros he brought with him and was thrust into a theatre school full of the prettiest and loudest and funniest girls I had ever met. Fake friend Hannah was not gonna fly with these ladies. I couldn't faux-Carrie Bradshaw my way in to these girls hearts and I didn't want to. I didn't want to risk not having these women in my life for a long time. So I had to start fresh and from the beginning. Slowly, painfully, tearfully on the floor of a Rez room I learned what was so amazing about having girlfriends. It was not a smooth ride. I fucked up, I believed half truths, I blew things up, I talked shit, I took things to heart. I basically learned how to be a 13-year-old girl.

It hurt and I hurt people but honestly, it was about friggin' time! Having REAL female friendships taught me how to open up, share, actively listen, be generous, be compassionate, and to love. I learned the natural give and take of friendship and how to speak openly and honestly about myself and others. I also realized that no girl wanted anything but the real, honest person I was. I could be a shit head with girls I didn't have to put on some act. In fact most of the girls I hang out with are even bigger shit heads than any dude I've hung out with. When I broke up with my last boyfriend I had a friend tell me "Who needs him? Just date your girls!" and honestly it's been pretty awesome. I have so many of hilarious, smart, and kind lady loves in my life right now and I really like the person I am when I am with them. That's kind of a big deal for me!

I am a reformed girl hater. I still have a ton of dude friends (whom I also love and am obsessed with and think the world of and enjoy the person I am when I am with!) but I learned how to be a good girlfriend and have been really #blessed by it. Girls rule and boys do too and lets all just have a party and hug and be nice to each other!

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