09/23/2014 08:01 EDT | Updated 11/23/2014 05:59 EST

Thoughts on Adulthood From a Brand New Adult

As I creep ever closer to death and settle in to my old age (23 is the new 83!) I've made a couple of realizations about myself and how I'm gonna get out there and put my stamp on the world. So allow me to impart upon you my sage wisdom that I've accumulated in my whole, like, 16 months as a human adult lady.

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Another September has come and (pretty much) gone without me even at all thinking about back to school. I didn't get a new lunch box or indoor shoes. My mom didn't take my picture on the front step of our house. I for sure have not fallen asleep in class or tried to sneak out at break. You guys! I'm like a pretty legit adult now.

This isn't even my first September that I didn't go to school, it's my second! As I creep ever closer to death and settle in to my old age (23 is the new 83!) I've made a couple of realizations about myself and how I'm gonna get out there and put my stamp on the world. I figured I would share it with you so that all of you can hold me personally accountable for when I start slackin' and you can tell me to get crackin' (but like not the drug just stop being lazy and get it together, you know).

So here she blows! Allow me to impart upon you my sage wisdom that I've accumulated in my whole, like, 16 months as a human adult lady. STRAP IN, STUPIDS!

P.S. any actual adults who are reading this are probs gonna be like AWE She's so naive and stupid and how did she not see any of this coming! And to you I say "Hey, I'm brand new, cut me some slack!"

1. Going to a deli alone is much more romantic than you may think!

You ever wonder why delis attract all those old men reading the paper in sweatsuits? It's because they know something that you children don't know! It's SO boss. Probably like once a week I go to a deli by myself. I used to order a tuna sandwich but recently I was told that you should never have to pay for a tuna salad sandwich so now I get corned beef with grainy mustard. It's so zen. Everyone is very quiet and has no interest in being your friend. You don't have to make idle chit chat with anyone, you just get to enjoy a giant sandwich. They don't play music which can be distracting (if you're an ADD kid like myself).

If you hang around there long enough the old dude that's on his way out will give you his copy of the Globe and Mail so you don't have to buy one. You can wear trackies and a Detroit Tigers hat and no one is like "ugh, who invited this unfashionable dirtbag?" because that's a standard deli uniform. It's also bad deli etiquette if you're on your phone or iPad or something because all the old men think you're from the future if you do. You know how runners say they like running because it clears your head and all you can think about is the task at hand, that is how I feel in a deli. Delis give me a runner's high. You should go.

2. You can get more money

So, when I was in school I didn't work during the year because my job was expanding my mind. (That was actually a really sweet set-up, so I'm pretty bummed about that). Whatever I made that summer, plus generous donations by my parents, was all I had for the whole year. It was kind of scary and I ate a lot of chickpeas during this time. Now, I am still very, very, very, very poor. But, I have kind of come to terms with the fact that I probably will be really friggin' poor for like a solid chunk of my adult life, if not all of it. This knowledge has let me have a new relationship with my dollars.

I'm not gonna get rich by saving up my restaurant job dollars and never doing anything and eating chickpeas. I will not be financially secure for a REALLY long time. It's not worth missing out on opportunities because of the fear of being poor. I am already destitute! That means I could risk it and take 17 days off to take a show I love on tour with five of my best friends! And yeah I got back and had less then no money but I have a job and can get more money. What I learned from that trip was worth way more than a couple cheques and tips! So team, being poor isn't a good enough reason to say no to things! I mean, don't be reckless and buy like $6,000 shoes but you can afford that beer and nachos with your bros.

3. I don't have to have one goal, I can have like a trillion!

For a really long time I thought that I had to chose one thing at a time and work towards that one thing and then once I completed it I could move on, or die happy, or someone would throw me a party. So, I graduated and was like "Nice, I have this fancy degree beep beep boop I'll be an actor now!" and then really quickly I realized this vast pool of shit I was really interested in.

Once I took of my theatre school blinders I had sort of a sensory overload of a bunch of stuff I had been to busy to think about! I started writing (this blog), and working on some comedy stuff, and pretending to learn the banjo, and keeping up with the Kardashians, and listening to podcasts about science and junk, and producing a show with my friendsies, and not really caring so much about acting anymore. I still love acting and performing but that's not it! I always liked to look at my future in a really linear narrative structure but dude's THAT'S FOR SURE NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Maybe I'll be an actor for a bit, and then maybe I'll write some stuff, or just middle finger to everything and marry an old billionaire!

4. Billy Joel and/or Carole King are perfect for every occassion.

I shouldn't even really have to explain this one. Do yourself a favour and download Carole King's Tapestry album right now. Then listen to it in it's entirety and have yourself a good cry. Rinse and repeat as desired. I guarantee you you'll be like "SHE WROTE THIS ALL FOR ME! IT'S MY STORY!" Go ahead and do the same thing with Billy Joel's The Stranger. You guys are gonna die. I'll be the first to admit you will always need a little T-Swift "Shake it Off" and you can still be "All About That Bass" but please just do this one thing for me please!

5. If someone says something you don't find funny you don't have to laugh. The risk of being a funny person is that sometimes you have a dud. Sometimes a bit doesn't work, or you offend someone, or you go further than you should have and people get uncomfortable and ask you to "please put you pants back on, Hannah." I have known this for a very long time! so to compensate for this knowledge I tried really hard to be a very generous conversationalist. I really tried to beef up my laughter so that no one had to feel the crippling embarrassment of a failed joke in a social group.

Now I'm like "fuck 'em! sometimes people are just assholes." I'm really over laughing because it is socially what is expected of me. Not everything is funny or deserves to be poked at and it is fine to let someone know that with your stoic silence. Yup, people will call you out on it and call you a "Prudey Judy" but I just could not care any less. Now that I've adopted this stance I am much more welcoming of the silence that comes from others. I'm not for everybody and neither are you. Thank god because otherwise it would be SO BORING!

6. You Need a Community!

Things are just better when there are awesome people supporting you. I found that in a gaggle of little theatre weirdos who like to do bits with me, eat tacos, and drink beer. Maybe yours is some sort of athletic team thing, or it's on Reddit, or you have a really zany old aunt who you play cribbage with! I just guarantee you that you will get more done if you've got some goodies in your corner with you. I think being in your little baby 20s is all about finding your community soul mates.

I've got like 60 years to find myself some dude to share a bank account and children with but right now I need some peeps to carry me home when I drunkenly sprain my ankle on a national historic site (that's a real story dudes!). It's really helpful if those same people also want to create work with you and support all your dreams and all that good stuff! I got really lucky and found a very dope community to work and party with. Find yourself one! You'll know when you do, I promise. If you're anything like me you'll realize it when you and five other people are in the same queen size bed riffing off an episode of Say Yes to The Dress and you'll be overwhelmed with the feeling of "Honey, I'm home!!!!"

That's what I Oprah-style "Know For Sure" at this particular juncture in my life. What do you cats know for sure? I'd love to hear it because I only have these six things to hang my hat on and one of them is sandwich based. I think I like being an adult. Me thinks I'll keep doing it until I die.


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