THE BLOG
03/31/2014 12:12 EDT | Updated 05/31/2014 05:59 EDT

Life Hacks Are Just the Worst

If one more good-natured yogi, lifestyle guru or hipster hack attack tells me to drink more warm water and lemon or take time to stretch I'm honestly gonna cry. The only thing life hacks have given me is a huge list of shit I'm so aware that I'm not doing. I don't stretch every morning.

OK, so I know I'm late to the whole Lent game. To be honest I was too blinded by my shrove Tuesday pancake coma to decide what I was doing. I'm also not catholic so, honestly, I think I deserve some bonus points for even attempting this whole Lent thing. Right guys? Anyways, this halfsie Lent I'm giving up life hacks.

If one more good-natured yogi, lifestyle guru or hipster hack attack tells me to drink more warm water and lemon or take time to stretch I'm honestly gonna cry. I spend a lot of time on the Internet. Like seriously a lot. Unfortunately, that means I end up sifting through what seems like an endless buzzfeed article on how to manage my life and be happier. It's stressing me the fuck out.

Before life hacks I didn't take one single second to think about breathing, I just kept doing it and living. Now I'm supposed to set aside time to breathe! Why'd I stop? Wasn't I breathing this whole time? Then I stop breathing for a second cause I'm thinking about it and it freaks me out. Then all of a sudden I'm the friggin' weirdo who gasps on the streetcar cause she forgot how to breathe for a second. Quite frankly that is no way to make friends.

The only thing life hacks have given me is a huge list of shit I'm so aware that I'm not doing. I don't stretch every morning. I don't drink like 16 litres of water. I don't think shiny thoughts about myself every hour on the hour. I don't feel the power of saying no. I don't travel while I'm young and poor. I don't keep my workspace free of clutter. I sure as fuck don't keep my clothes off the floor. (I do get lots of sleep...but that's mostly because of lazy.) A couple months ago none of that bothered me. Now I am so aware of my lengthy list of shortcomings. Thanks a lot life hacks! YOU HACKED NOTHING!

So for faksies Lent (I know Lent isn't fake, I just mean I'm like a month late to this party so I'm a faker, namaste Lent!) I'm gonna hack life hacks. I'm gonna drink water when I'm thirsty, and leave coffee cups all over my home office, (my bed...my bed is my home office...I'm in my bed right now) and say yes to plans I don't really want to do, and go to the grocery store without a list and not have two glasses of wate,r and an aspirin after a long night of drinking. You know why? I don't really want to hack my life I just want to live it. What would make me eliminate stress and be 30 per cent happier and make me lose that final five pounds and whatever else the Internet promises me would be not having to live up to these insane (and kinda boring) expectations.

P.S. I'm super not clear on the rules of Lent? But I'm pretty sure you give something up? I hope I didn't get that wrong because that'd be supsy awkward. If I did just disregard this whole message.

Thanks bros.

-HJ

ALSO ON HUFFPOST:

Photo gallery Brilliant Life Hacks See Gallery