11/27/2014 06:17 EST | Updated 01/27/2015 05:59 EST

Six Tips to Get Out There and Enjoy Those Work Social Events

Ah! Macy's Thanksgiving parade day! The official opening ceremonies of Christmas! We can now all add peppermint Schnapps to our morning coffee and wear glitter during the day! It's the most wonderful time of the year! Or is it?

"...Oh fuck. It's my agency's Christmas party next week... I'll just kill myself and save everyone all the social anxiety!" Girl, put down that bottle of Xanax! Fear not! I have a dumb-dumb proof guide to surviving awkward adult Christmas parties without feeling like you want to eat your own hands so you have an awesome excuse not to go. So scoop yourself a bowl of candy cane ice cream and chill the fuck out.

1) Bring A Date: I know, this one is a given. Bringing a date means when no one is talking to you you both can turn to each other shake hands and pretend like you are networking. It means your tipsy boss can say things like "I bet you have your hands full with this one" and nudge your partner as if they have inside jokes and everyone can feel weird. It means Brian from accounts receivable who's just been waiting to get his chance to confess his love for you will finally back off! But, more realistically it means you don't have to show up alone and you have a friend to "Jim Halpert" style roll your eyes at. It'll take your social anxiety from a trillion in one to a very manageable 37.

For all y'all undateables (Holla if you hear me soul sisters!) 'tis the season to get on Tinder. I'm kidding. That's a terrible idea! Take your best friend and just "Harry met Sally" all over this event. Pretend you guys are dating! It's honestly so fun! On several occasion I've cried lesbian wolf with my best friend just so it's socially acceptable that she's at events with me! Or alternatively take a guy friend and promise him drinks and a sliders bar! He'll be there.

2. Don't get drunk!: Oh my sweeties, it seems like such an easy fix! Pre-drink the fuck out of it so you feel numb enough to talk to anyone and everyone. DONT DO THIS. Have you ever seen a group of high teenage boys putting visine in there eyes and then trying to buy movie tickets? They freak the fuck out. They look like scared little paranoid puppies. This is what will happen to drunk you around your co-workers and superiors! You'll get there riding high and then immediately be so nervous and paranoid and awkward. Save yourself the stress have two glasses of wine and then leave and have all the tequila shots mamacita desires!

3. Don't talk too much: Nothing says "I am a brand new adult" like showing up at a work social and getting your explosive verbal diarrhea on EVERYTHING! No one cares how much you hate the TTC, or what your Aunt's divorce was like, or how sick you were after your spring break trip to Dominican in third year. Chill out. This is all you have to do. Be appreciative to the host. Listen to people. Laugh at the right times. If you can do that you are golden!

That being said don't hide behind the cheese plate and refuse to speak to anyone. One of the best realizations is that everyone feels awks at these things so just own it!

4. Bring A Host Gift: Who gives a fuck if no one else does? You'll look like a straight up baller! Also, don't bring a fucking bottle of wine! It's lame and basically says "hey I don't care enough to even think about you"! Plus, if you are at all in an arts field, you never know who has been 15 years sober! That's the most weird when you hand a bottle of thanks wine to a recovering alcoholic. Get them a Holiday decoration or chocolate. It's adorable, shows you thought about it, and can't offend anyone! Plus, how cute are you! If I was your 50 year old boss, or agent, or co-worker I would totally hug you right now.

5. Wear Red Lipstick: You could mistakenly wear jeans to a black tie event but if you slap on some clean red lips people will assume it's a look! Dressing for a work party is tres tres difficile! You don't want to be too glitzy, you can't be too casual, skirt can't be too short, you don't want to be too cold! Just wear black ( suit, dress, pants and top, what the fuck ever), red lipstick, and your hair in a sock bun! You'll be the Taylor Swift-esque Belle of the ball!

For my dudes: Shut up! You have it so easy! Boys have like two options of clothes and you all look amazing in everything! Dark jeans and a dress shirt. You're done. Fuck you.

6. Actually have fun?: What a novel idea! Listen, the only thing people hate more than a work party is a fucking negative Nancy at a work party. Smile, you little bitch! People like happy people. So be happy, be present, swallow your desire to stab yourself in the eye with a canapé toothpick! It will all be over soon and you can be watching Home Alone 2: Lost in New York in footie pyjamas! Tell yourself you'll have a good time and you're more likely too! I promise.

If all of these fail (which they absolutely will not!) take comfort in the fact that one day you'll be that sassy broad who is organizing the holiday party and you can make it the coolest party ever! Play the long game for the day when some 22-year-old intern of yours shows up to your themed "Griswold Family Christmas Extravaganza ugly sweater drink 'til you puke absolute company blowout" and tells you it's the best party she's ever been to!

Happy Holiday-ing Honeys!


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