04/15/2015 04:00 EDT | Updated 06/15/2015 05:59 EDT

The 100% Foolproof Way to Stay Comfortable As an Artist

Not to toot my own horn, but I pretty much nail it when it comes to being motivated and setting myself up for success! Whether you need to meet a deadline on that pesky screenplay or if you're just trying to get through the day without feeling the weight of your crippling fear of death, here are my top tips on how to stay comfortable in all of your creative endeavours!

1. Don't get out of bed: Your bed is so comfy. Why would you leave it? Sure you can rally and make it to your desk to write something, or use that time to be really prepare for your audition, or get up and go for a run or something equally as awful! But like, it's SO comfy!!! With the pillows, and the blankets, and the softness, it's the physical representation of your comfort zone. So, just stay there. It's better.

2. Eat only cheesy starches: A couple days ago the fresh-pressed juice place by my house recalled all there carrot juices because it may have been contaminated with Hep. A. This further solidified my decision to only eat potato and wheat based products covered in cheese. Nothing motivates you like a bloaty tired little body. Say goodbye to vegetables, lean proteins, and natural fruit sugars, y'all better start eating like a high teenage boy whose parents are gone for the weekend. Stick to the major food groups, pizza, white cheddar Kraft dinner, beer, and baby bells.

3. Shower? Get Dressed? Comb your hair? NO WAY! When I was sick as a kid my mom would tell me to go jump in the shower and I always felt at least 60 per cent better afterwards. Steer clear of that! Nothing inspires the creative mind like wearing the same flannel pants and diet coke-stained XL men's baseball t-shirt for a full 48 hours. Trust me. I've experimented. Ask my roommate.

4. Drink so much coffee that you convince yourself that your heart is going to fall out of your butt: Do you drink coffee every morning to give you an extra perk and help with your AM poop schedule? Great! Now let's test your limits. This is one of my favourite ways to truly harness all of my creative energies. Drink an entire French press all by myself, convince myself that this is what a heart attack feels like, fall down an anxiety rabbit hole, encourage that anxiety with the use of the internet, then just as you start to come down sit alone in a darkened room and wait out the pain of the splitting headache you've given yourself. Such a fun exercise!

5. Get deep in to the Kim Kardashian Hollywood video game: Sure, I've missed draft deadlines, I'm running dry on new sketches, and haven't gone to an audition in months, BUT I unlocked the A-list level on the Kim K Hollywood video game this morning. So yeah, I think I know a little something about achieving your dreams.

6. Make a ton of brunch plans with people: Nothing insures you will have a productive day like a huge heavy meal covered in hollandaise at 11:30 a.m.. You can fill your morning with choosing a delightfully whimsical pastel outfit to wear. You can waste a solid half hour waiting in line to get in. You can eat your weight in eggs and butter. Then, go home and nap it all of until 5 o'clock! Looks like that day is done! You can now settle in to an evening of Netflix because you deserve it. You've had a rough day baby!

7. Flip between Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and compare your life to all of your friends: Nothing makes you feel better or more inspired then paying complete attention to the carefully curated ways your friends and peers show their own creative successes. Make sure you read every single detail of every single acquaintances workshop production and hot yoga practice. Did that girl just get 7 retweets on a not-that-funny joke? Perfect! Spend the next 25 minutes combing through every single tweet of hers from the last 7 months. If you want to take it one step further passive aggressively favourite something from 14 weeks ago, so she knows what she's done.

Well, there you have it kiddos, a completely foolproof guide to loving yourself as an artist. You're welcome. I look forward to liking all of your indiegogo campaign announcements and pictures of waffles!