THE BLOG
05/19/2014 02:01 EDT | Updated 07/19/2014 05:59 EDT

Why This 40-Year-Old Wants To Be a Disney Princess

I have always been a sucker for animated Disney movies. I'm not talking about 101 Dalmatians or The Fox and The Hound. I did enjoy them but the game changer for me was The Little Mermaid. And don't get me wrong -- I am so not the princess-y type (although I'm sure my husband would beg to differ). But aesthetically, there is appeal in all Disney princesses since the late '80s that I am not ashamed to say that my 40-year old self envies to the utmost degree. And as I listen to "Let It Go" for the umpteenth time (and yes, sing along -- again), it made me think about how different my day-to-day life could be if I could be Disney-fied, just for a while.

They all have waists

First of all, yes, I know they are animated figures and I don't live in fantasyland where I pretend that they're real people or that women actually can have that body. But I remember what it was like to have a waist. Before the kids and the metabolism slowed down, I wore crop tops. I wore dresses that didn't have an empire waist. You could actually visibly see a figure that bordered more on hourglass and not pear-shaped. I do appreciate that the wonderful people at Disney only gave fabulous breasts to the princesses who would be wearing a corset anyway. (See Tiana in The Princess And The Frog or Belle in Beauty and the Beast and Elsa and Anna in Frozen.) Case in point: check out Belle in the aforementioned Beauty And The Beast, in an analytical, non-creepy way. At the beginning when she's wearing the apron thing on top of her dress, not much to look at, but go to later in the movie when she's wearing that yellow ball gown, and her girls are jacked up! That's one point of reality that Disney got right.

They have perfect hair

If you have kids, or even if you don't but you have those friends who send you youtube links to what's hot, then you know the song Let It Go. And chances are if you've seen the clip from the movie where Elsa sings the song, then you know the part where she has her hair all up and proper and then to celebrate her newfound freedom, she pulls out the clip from her hair, tosses it like in a shampoo commercial and it all falls perfectly. There is not a kink in her hair to be seen. No fly-aways, no need to rake her fingers through her hair repeatedly, trying to make it look less messy. It's not even passing for just bedhead, sexy messy. It is absolutely perfect. Annoying, yes -- but attainable, not even close. What I would give to have perfect hair with volume, body, and a hint of a wave at the flick of my head. Seriously, we're talking first born child here.

They don't get pimples

I am 40. Somewhere in my misguided knowledge of biology, I thought I would be done with facial pimples by my early to mid-twenties, at the latest. So how is it possible that at my age now, it's harder for me to conceive a child, but I can still get a zit with such ferocity, I look like I'm getting ready for my high school prom, just now I have wrinkles too. Now think about Rapunzel in Tangled or Merida in Brave. Flawless skin. Yes, Mulan and Pochahontas have that whole holistic, Asian, living in the woods thing going for them so they probably used mud or clay or some kind of root concoction. But for the record, I'm Asian. My mom still makes me eat icky root things when I'm sick, and my skin looks NOTHING like their skin. Don't even get me started on the girls in Frozen. I mean, they don't even get windburn or dry, flakey skin in a massive winter storm? Come on!

They can all SING

Pregnancy books tell you that you should sing to your baby because your baby will love your voice, no matter what you sound like. Big fat lie. (The lies that pregnancy books tell you will be a topic for an upcoming blog post, I'm sure.) Your singing may drown out your baby, but if you can't carry a tune, it's not going to be a peaceful night for anyone. For one, you'll have your husband coming into the room, asking "what on earth are you singing?" Yeah, Disney princesses don't have that problem -- because they're all born with the natural ability to not just sing a song, they belt! They get every note right, every time. They sing a song with feeling, without closing their eyes or bopping their head or swaying to the music. It's all too perfect -- and I am so jealous.

So I get it. I'm not a Disney princess. Disney princesses, for the record, don't have names like Heather. They get exotic, cool names or just cool pronunciations of ordinary names, like Anna in Frozen. (It's pronounced "Ah-nah," thank you very much.) But since Disney World is supposed to be "the happiest place on earth," I propose that their next featured attraction be for moms and dads to get Disney-fied, even if just for one day. Auto-tune me, airbrush me, corset me. Just for one hour, it would be fun to be the best self that I could never really be in the real world.

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