These days the same thoughts keep playing over and over again in my head: Is something wrong with me? Why am I so angry all the time?
I don't sleep. I am exhausted. I'm angry all the time. I have no patience. I'm snippy, rude and have a short fuse. I think my kids' behaviour is atrocious. Is this because I am newly widowed and stressed out or am I just another mom dealing with kids? I don't know the line between what is normal and what is a result of our grief? I am confused, frustrated and feel like a failure as a parent. I have no outlet, no husband, and no boyfriend to listen to my complaints and help make me feel better. I am in a bit of a slump. I don't really like who I have become and how I have been treating people lately.
Here's how I've been behaving in the last month:
- Here is how I spoke to my mother yesterday. I called her on my way home from work to say hi, wish her a happy birthday and tell her about my day. Instead I started to rant about not feeling supported enough, how no one thinks about how hard my life is and how lonely I am. When did I become so narcissistic? This is so not like me. All I did was complain, cry and make my poor mother feel badly.
- Here is how I spoke to my kids last night. I yelled at them for not listening to me. I yelled at the boys to stop fighting. I yelled at Brooke to clean up her room and help me. I threatened to cancel all play dates for a month with no sleepovers if they didn't start behaving. I had a 39 year-old adult tantrum and hid in the bathroom to count to 10 and regain my composure.
- Here is how I am a bitch on the subway. My mornings start so early and I am such a grump by the time I leave the house that the slightest thing will set me off. I get up at 5 am, pack lunches, break up fights, and fight with Brooke about her lunch and clothes. I try to listen to music on my walk to the subway to calm me down, but even Taylor Swift doesn't work. If the person in front of me takes too long to put their card through the turn style or if the person in front of me is walking too slowly down the steps, it pisses me off. I mean how difficult can this be? I want to scream at them. I might even let out a fuck you all, especially if I miss the train and there are now a ton of people waiting with me on the platform. If they think they are getting on before me they have another thing coming. I don't even care if you are 9 months pregnant or walking with a cane. I AM GETTING ON THAT NEXT SUBWAY!
- Here is how I am nasty at Starbucks, the grocery store, the gym or picking up my prescription at the pharmacy. I hate waiting. Stop having a conversation with the barista or pharmacist and let's get moving people! I need to get home and start my second job as a mother, do you not understand that? I have a million things I still need to get done before I can relax. HURRY!!! I also hate when people invade my personal space at the gym. I used to ignore it or move spots but now I just give them the evil eye. Get out of my way!
- Here is how my swearing is out of control. I never used to swear but now I don't give a fuck! I actually swear like a sailor. When the kids wake me up in the middle of the night I swear under my breath to get the fuck back to bed. I swear at stupid drivers to learn to fucking drive properly and I swear when someone bumps into me on the street to get the fuck out of my way. FUCK FUCK FUCK! I want to stand in the underground tunnel at work and swear all morning some days.
- Here is how I delay coming home. Some days I dread walking into the house. The anticipation of not being able to take my coat off or being thrown a million questions makes me lose my cool. Please tell me I am not the only parent that feels this way? I try to sneak in and rush upstairs to get undressed before my nanny leaves. I just need a moment after a long day. I can't answer kids' questions or get them cups of water one after the other. I just need a moment.
- Here is how I survive the nights. I bribe my kids with junk food and Netflix. I don't care about the studies that say it isn't good for them. My brothers and I lived on TV and we turned out just fine. Actually pretty damn good (minus this month).
I hope I haven't frightened some of you. I really am a nice person just having a rough few weeks. I have come to the realization that I need to take care of myself so that I don't get sick or burn out. I know that if I sleep more, eat well and exercise, I will be more in control, less moody, a better mom and future partner to some lucky guy out there. Here's hoping for a new beginning this spring.
About the author: In 2008 Heidi Wilk's husband was diagnosed with incurable brain cancer, their lives and dreams were forever changed. Heidi shares her own personal struggles, how she has overcome them and the important life lessons she has learned on her blog at Her Magazine.
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