The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― and succinct ― wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or less.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets of the Week newsletter here.
{extremely White Snake voice at 3am} Here I go again on my phone
— kim monte (@KimmyMonte) May 13, 2019
Show me someone who has their shit together, flawless skin, good in relationships, AND isnt lactose intolerant. You cant have all four. Not possible.
— Sydnee Washington (@Justsydnyc) May 13, 2019
when you eat a pizza roll before it's cooled down pic.twitter.com/oh2sV4Foan
— Les Bians Terribles (@tolntran) May 12, 2019
The winner of Game of Thrones will be awarded a modelling contract with Elite Model Management, a fashion spread and cover in Seventeen, and a $100,000 contract with CoverGirl cosmetics.
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) May 16, 2019
can’t believe my strategy of not talking or looking at anyone has resulted in me not getting laid again
— ziwe (@ziwe) May 11, 2019
good morning to everyone but especially the guy at 7-eleven who kept muttering “ice cream SANDWICH” as he bought a green juice
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) May 15, 2019
The best part of being a woman is the constant fight to be treated better than plastic straws.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) May 15, 2019
doctors office: hand washing is important.
— Tig Notaro (@TigNotaro) May 14, 2019
also doctors office: feel free to let your kid lick this toy for 40 minutes while you wait pic.twitter.com/iZVQXCh71y
if dragon fire can do all this ma’am what the hell have we been doing for the last five seasons????
— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) May 13, 2019
i was at the aquarium earlier and a lady points at a seal and asks me what kinda fish that is and i tell her it’s a seal and she nods knowingly and goes, seal fish, and walks off
— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) May 14, 2019
As a tall person I cannot offer to reach something on a high shelf for a stranger, yet if they ask me I must oblige. This is the law of the giants
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) April 24, 2019
clop clop motherfuckers it is time for the midnight ride of my insecurities
— Listen I'm Scary OK (@katiemcvay) May 17, 2019
Obsessed with this Yelp review I just stumbled across while prepping for my friend's bachelorette
— Carly Ledbetter (@ledbettercarly) May 13, 2019
"if you are basic you will love it" pic.twitter.com/RWRZ4j8wFz
when people in movies have a crush on someone: I gotta tell them! I gotta make a plan and it’s gotta be PERFECT and I have to tell them how I FEEL!!!
— How To Be Alone (by me Lane Moore) is out now (@hellolanemoore) May 13, 2019
when I have a crush on someone: I’m just gonna push these feelings as far down as possible and hope they go away on their own
when I die I just want to haunt a senator
— Cynthia X. Hua (@cynthiaxhua) May 16, 2019
this is just to say
— Ariel Edwards-Levy (@aedwardslevy) May 16, 2019
I, the plum
that was in
the icebox
am declaring my candidacy
in the
2020 presidential election
vote for me
I am delicious
so sweet
and so cold
this is the energy i want to have this summer pic.twitter.com/8qGz2IyifK
— 𝔱𝔯𝔦𝔰𝔥 (@ULTRAGLOSS) May 14, 2019
If growing up on movies taught me one thing, a visit home isn't complete until you tear apart a creepy ballerina music box to find clues to an old family secret.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) May 14, 2019
Happy Mother’s Day to my real moms: my highest self, Mother Earth, and quesadillas
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) May 12, 2019
I can't – and I can't stress this enough – stress this enough
— Hannah Jewell (@hcjewell) May 14, 2019
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