08/11/2015 05:17 EDT | Updated 08/11/2016 05:59 EDT

An Open Letter to SeaWorld

Dear SeaWorld: Boy, times have been tough for you lately huh? Profits are down 84 per cent, the public is very upset with you, and Steve-O from Jackass keeps climbing things to protest how you treat animals. It's a rough time for you, granted not as a rough as the lives of the orcas you keep in captivity.

Paul Souders via Getty Images

Dear SeaWorld,

Boy, times have been tough for you lately huh? Profits are down 84 per cent, the public is very upset with you, and Steve-O from Jackass keeps climbing things to protest how you treat animals. It's a rough time for you, granted not as a rough as the lives of the orcas you keep in captivity, but unpleasant nonetheless.

Despite your history of animal abuse, I know that there are a lot of people who work for SeaWorld who love animals, and there are lots of people who visit SeaWorld who love animals too. Trainers and guests want to believe so badly that the conditions for the whales aren't that bad because they want to be able to see them up close and have the experience of bonding with a beautiful intelligent creature.

Unfortunately it's pretty hard to argue with some of the points made in the movie Blackfish and consumers have made their voices heard by no longer financially supporting your theme parks. But for all those trainers and animal lovers that I'm sure are still working for your organization, I want to help you become an ethically run theme park and bring back those customers you lost.

The good news for you is that all is not lost. You can turn this whole thing around by becoming like the grinch who stole Christmas, when he realized the errors of his ways and his heart grew three sizes that day.

Here is a step by step guide on how you can get through this without going bankrupt and without people losing their jobs:

Step 1: Admit you made some horrible horrible mistakes.

Here is a sample statement you could issue:

Dear public,

We here at SeaWorld have made some horrible horrible mistakes. We thought what we were doing was fine, at least some of us did, clearly there were some not-so-good people at the top that knew what we were doing was wrong. Those people are long retired now, living on private islands together and no longer separating mother orcas from their offspring.

Those of us left working here are also victims to their con however. We are the trainers who loved having a job working with the animals and bonding with them, and we are also executives who weren't made aware of how bad the conditions truly were -- we just needed a job, we were fresh out of school and had massive credit card debts to pay off.

Regardless of how we got to this position we want to make this right. First off, no more orca shows. The orcas we do have that are not fit to be released back into the wild will be stored in huge tanks (which we will pay for by selling off some real estate), they will get fish whenever they want it without having to do tricks and they will be pampered and adored by the trainers who love them until they live out the rest of their days. In the coming months we will unveil some new SeaWorld exhibits that will be ethical and entertaining for the public.

We are, like, super sorry you guys.



Step 2: New Exhibits

Without the orca shows you don't actually have a product to offer consumers and that is a bit of a snag you will have to overcome. There is no need to worry however, here are some new exhibits:

1) The GoPro Actual SeaWorld Exhibit:

GoPro cameras are awesome and one day footage from GoPros will document the last moments of the lives of many extreme adventurers. For now, however, let's strap those suckers onto the heads of SeaWorld executives and dump them deep in the ocean, then we'll project the best footage they gather on giant screens in front of what used to be the orca exhibits.

Don't worry, this will all be done safely, but the idea of voluntarily subjecting yourselves to the orca whales natural territory after so many years of removing whales from those same places will serve as a sort of symbolic penance that will allow the public to forgive you. Plus the footage of large whales and other aquatic wildlife, along with the scared screams and erratic shaking of the SeaWorld executive, will be entertaining to this new generation of SeaWorld enthusiasts.

If this exhibit is not seen as interactive enough for your patrons just have Steve-O (who will now support you) come out and spray everyone with a hose (to mimic the effect of an orca whale splashing the audience) before lighting himself on fire or stapling something to a sensitive body part.

2) Become an Educational Center on Aquatic Life

You can make a lot of money just by being an educational field trip location for schools. Provide educational exhibits and learning centers for kids. Let your new audience know what those mistakes you made in the past have taught you about aquatic life. And if that isn't interactive enough for your new audience just have Steve-O come out again and everything will be fine.

3) Sharknado Screenings

Build a movie theater and screen Sharknado 1 and 2, then afterwards give everyone a shark costume and a Red Bull, good times will be had by all.

If all of that fails just give the public what they really want: An area for parents to drop off their kids with Xbox games and toys, while the parents sit on a patio, drinking margaritas or other drinks that lessen the stigma of mid-day alcohol consumption. Then a friendly SeaWorld executive will safely drive everyone home whilst explaining how sorry they are for all that animal abuse in the past.

You see SeaWorld? Everything can be just fine, all you have to do is admit that you did some very bad things, take steps to repair the damage, and move forward in an ethical way.

You're welcome.


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