10/07/2013 05:27 EDT | Updated 12/07/2013 05:12 EST

You Know Who Likes it When You Rev Your Engine? No One!

Hey you, Yeah, you with the motorcycle or the cool car driving through the city down a busy street. Look, I know you're really excited about your expensive shiny toy, and you probably put a lot of time and thought and money in to it. You want to show it off. I get it. But here's something you may not know: The actual number of people that get excited when you rev your engine at them? Zero. That's right. NOT EVEN ONE.

No one has ever cared about engine revving ever since the beginning of engines. If you want people to look at your vehicle and appreciate it, just drive by! Be cool. Revving your engine is the equivalent of buying a really shiny watch and then shouting "HEY! LOOK! I HAVE A SHINY WATCH" to everyone you walk by including people on the other side of the street. It is the behaviour someone with a developmental delay. I mean yes, your fancy machine that turns explosions into forward momentum is pretty neat but I'd appreciate it more if you weren't forcing those explosions to interrupt my telephone conversation and also make me think you don't know how to use it properly.

Why does this upset me so much? I'll tell you. It upsets me because I've been that guy lots of times. I've owned a motorcycle and a sports car. I revved my engine at everyone I went by. Guess how many high fives I got? None. Guess how many girls' phone numbers? Also none. In fact, one girl whose number I already had saw me rev my engine and then promptly smashed her phone into a million pieces.

It makes me wonder what people did before that. How did you show off a horse when you rode by? I don't think you could. I guess you could try to make the horse whinny but doing that too often would probably make the horse throw you off. In fact, this method should be applied to sports cars and motorcycles. A mandate where if you rev the engine more than three times a day it would eject you out of the vehicle and onto the street.

But wait that's horrible! Why do that to those poor unfortunate idiots? It's so cruel. Not so! If you limit the number of revs you get before personal injury, revvers would become more conservative and maybe us, the non-engine having pedestrian public could appreciate engine revs more. "Oh that guy used one of his engine revs on me? How flattering!"

There you go, auto makers. Limit the revs, people will appreciate them more and there will be less of them so people I am walking near can hear me telling them about my cool shiny new watch.