05/18/2017 12:27 EDT | Updated 05/18/2017 12:27 EDT

Step Down, Donald Trump. Things Won't Get Any Better

Russia interference. Trump interference. No backbone Congress led by complete fall-down Paul Ryan. A rabid Senate held back by a calculating Mitch McConnell. Picking a fight with the biggest intelligence agency in the world. The walls are closing in every second, it seems, on Donald Trump. Impeachment becomes a more realistic what-if with every single Tom Clancy-esque story. On June 14th, the "outsider" is turning 71. You have to think, why has he not stepped down yet? For someone who has written his own rules his entire life, you have to wonder if he'll be the one that says "Screw this, I'm out." A party every day with all the chocolate pie and ice cream ol' Donny can wolf down.

It's clear that even many of Trump's supporters are now in it for the lols. No reasonable person can stick by him through this, right? I mean, I get if you're paid or on staff and trying to leverage this into something. Press Secretary Melissa McCart.... Sean Spicer will most likely end up a panelist on CNN. Pence, Ryan and McConnell are waiting in the wings to take over once Trump has proven disposable. Steve Bannon, well, he'll go crawl back into the hole he came from.

Staffers and aides will either take up work under the Pence administration or run from it like a house fire. Russian trolls will turn to Germany, hoping to mess up their country and election. His kids won't miss the privileges; their lives are already structured and built on privilege. His supporters -- I mean, do any sincere people still support this guy? At this point, they have as much credibility as he does, crying about fake media and duh oppression. They'll move on when they're isolated from the mainstream and everything shifts back to normal.

donald trump

U.S. President Donald Trump bows his head in prayer at the United States Coast Guard Academy Commencement Ceremony in New London, Connecticut, U.S., May 17 2017. (Photo: Kevin Lamarque/Reuters)

So, Donny turns 71 on June 14th. It will no doubt be at Mar-a-Lago, his private retreat when he's not pretending to be president. Jump on a plane or chopper and you're in a bubble far, far away from reality. But how much do you want to bet this man-child begins throwing tantrums when he has to go back to Washington? And why wouldn't he? He's not exactly a political darling right now on either side of the aisle. At any given moment, another bombshell can act as a shovel of dirt thrown on his political grave. It's gotta be like living in a small town standing accused of killing the mayor. The hate is real. The FBI is right behind him and ready to break his metaphorical neck at any time. The grave is filling.

I used to watch Celebrity Apprentice. Loved the absolute trashiness of it. A cartoon businessman who fired D-listers and has-beens. Where else can you see Ian Ziering and Geraldo go toe-to-toe? Or Joan Rivers sticking up for her daughter and obliterating poker player Annie Duke? Don't get me wrong, I know it was trash, but that was part of the appeal. There were no circumstances beyond whose charity would get money. There was no risk of war, no risk of criminal investigations that he couldn't pay to close. No 70 per-cent-plus of the country (more globally) against him. No groupies obsessed with liberals and Hillary Clinton. It was an innocent, stupid show in the vein of a Kardashian or Housewives spin-off. Good times.

Insecure little Donny and his propaganda muppets love reminding us that no one gave him a chance of winning. Fivethirtyeight, run by numbers-guru Nate Silver, was one website that predicted his path to victory. But the campaign's election day forecast only gave them a 35 per cent chance of winning; not exactly a ringing endorsement or the confidence you'd hope for from a candidate. Yet it's so obvious why -- they didn't want to win. They were running an 18-month infomercial for the Trump brand. It was a live reality show, Trump was the star, and so many tuned in during the sh*tshow. He lost the popular vote by three million. Yet on November 8th, the American people in those deciding districts signed away their country to a guy that didn't want to be president. Renewed for four seasons, the ol' gang together again.

I know he's an incredible narcissist who is unable to admit both reality and failure, but is he happy?

But why is he still in office? It confuses me. This is a guy that's done whatever he wants his whole life -- grabbing women, eluding taxes, etc. He lived in one of if not the nicest high-rise in NYC that his own company built. He had a reality show that survived despite its campiness and poor ratings. He had a cycle of wives who he'd replace when his interest waned. Every year brought new businesses and new closures. Nothing stuck, because there was a loophole, a dollar amount, as an out for everything. He could spend a week golfing by himself and no one would care.

How many people, let alone a soon-to-be 71-year-old who has a three-story $100 million dollar penthouse in his own building, do you know that would want to put up daily with what Trump does? I can't imagine if Drumph had a choice of two doors, one his old life and one this one, he'd stay in the present.

He could resign tomorrow, write some books and start his own cable news station. Between rounds at Mar-a-Lago, Kelly-Anne and McCarth.. Spicer can feed him Skittles while poolside beauty contests are held. He'd make suitcases full of cash riding Chris Christie around the world doing speeches. I know he's an incredible narcissist who is unable to admit both reality and failure, but is he happy? Can anyone be happy in this situation?

Step down, Donny. Your brand is taking hit after hit, we're a 118 days in and I promise for you and the world that it's not going to get better. There is no price-tag to make these political problems go away. Salvage what you can from the loyalists who are following you and tweet 'Peace Out!' You can go back to the empty golf courses, spending time with your wife...daughter, bankrupting businesses, grabbing pussies, paying people off, firing the Tom Green's of the world and watching yourself on TRUMP TV.

Screw two scoops of ice cream for dessert. Tub of vanilla ice cream every damn meal, amiright?

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