12/18/2014 12:49 EST | Updated 02/17/2015 05:59 EST

Ladies, This Is The Simple Truth About How Men Think

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If I had been born in the right time and place, I'd like to think I could have been one of those enlightened monks. Instead, I'm a little more redneck. I'm a really refined redneck, which means I understand girls, totally.

I grew up in the frozen landscape of Winnipeg. The prairies have given me a unique view of the world. A view I set out to share through the magic of blogging. Basically, it's the lessons I learned from a life that can happen no where other than the middle of Canada.

Here's one of my latest. It's a little tale about love and how boys really have no idea how to interact with girls.

My best friend Joel and I have spent the last 25 years doing incredibly stupid things.

  • There was the scooter wipe out of '94
  • The fireball tennis incident of '95
  • The mouse trap maze of '97
  • The snow plow pass of 2001
  • The ice covered highway bumper shine of 2002

You get the picture -- we are not thinkers, we are doers. In fact, I'm fortunate that I've got Brendan, Jon, Andrew and Joel, have been friends since before we could walk. In all cases, when we get together or even when we don't, we know we love each other. It's not expressed with words, and we don't need to communicate it. It's there, and we show it by knowingly doing stupid things together.

Telling each other we care just makes things we might actually die and feel it necessary to clear the air.

It's like Romeo and Juliet. They were willing to die together. Well, it's not as romantic with guys, but the fact remains, we are willing to die side by side. That's how we express love. The last person I could see may be my best friend because the question was asked "What would happen if we shot a propane tank with a rifle?"

So here is the issue.

I try to recreate that feeling of love with a girl, and right away I'm a jerk. What do you mean you don't want to sleep in the back of a car at an all day music festival? Or, yes I realize it's unsafe, but we are both here, and really what could go wrong?

How do flowers replace a general lack of self-preservation. I'm trying to show you I love you by nearly killing you, but being right there with you. Adrenaline is to boys what flowers are to girls.

I make all those gestures and you still want a love letter. How about we jump dirt bikes...not romantic? I'll let you pick the music.

I offer shotguns, and off-road races but it's still not enough. I'll even let you drive, which in the male world is the largest sign of trust. If you see two dudes about to do something incredibly stupid, and you see one hand the other keys, you know those guys are brothers from different mothers.

Here is the long and the short of it. Personally, I get it. My girlfriend likes safety, security and endless amounts of back rubs. I bring her flowers just because, and write notes about my feelings. The feelings are there, I love her immensely, I just feel it's so unnecessary to verbalize it daily. Feelings don't matter when you are holding on to the roof of a car going 60km/hr down a back country road. Although, excellent communication is imperative. "Slow down I can't hold on anymore," is clear, concise and true. That's how men talk. No feelings. "Hey Joel, I think you need to slow down, I feel like if we continue at this pace, I may not be able to hold on. What do you think?" Nope.

So I'll keep doing the "small things," but if I never try to impress you by power sliding around a corner in an Polaris RZR it's because I don't really love you, I'm just going through the motions.

Parting words for all you lovely ladies. I bet your boyfriend is trying to tell you he loves you. The problem is our male language is a combination of educated, primate and action hero -- so sometimes our feelings get lost in translation.

If you've shot my gun, stood with me by a fire, or been sideways or done a doughnut in a motor vehicle, chances are I love you more than words. Because words don't matter, actions do.


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