06/30/2011 11:11 EDT | Updated 08/30/2011 05:12 EDT

For William and Kate: A Rhetorical Quiz on Canada

While you're here, can you guys chat up our King Harpernicus regarding environmental issues? Between the tar sands, our positions at international forums, and cuts at Environment Canada, I don't think he's too familiar with the idea.


Hello Will and Kate. I wanted to offer you two my belated congratulations on that successful reality show you guys did. The finale in particular was spectacular, like a fairy tale; it was worthy of Simon Fuller. It seems it was on every channel too; no reality show can claim that kind of popularity. Millions here watched, even at the dreadful hour of 5 a.m. Amazing.

I guess now that you're stars you have that obligatory tour that ends up in every contract. Showbiz is a tough master, that's for sure. However, I am honoured that you'd start your tour in Canada. Just in time for our national birthday, too. I don't know who your PR people are, but that's some slick marketing. Guess you couldn't very well start out in the States this close to Independence Day though, eh? Awk-warrrd.

Sorry I didn't send you anything for the wedding, but I do want to offer you this rhetorical quiz on Canada in honour of your visit.

1. Like hundreds of Canadians, you are probably aware that you guys have a representative here on a full-time basis: Governor General David Johnston (had to Google the name). No doubt you're probably popping by his house for a bit. While you're there, I'd like you to find out three things:

a. Can you tell me how big the rubber stamp is that the Governor General uses to provide royal assent to acts of Parliament?

b. Is there a picture of the Queen's face on it?

c. Is she winking?

2. I understand Prince Charles to be an advocate on environmental issues; he apparently believes ecology has some link to human existence. While you're here, can you guys chat up our King Harpernicus regarding the subject? Between the tar sands, our positions at international forums, and cuts at Environment Canada, I don't think he's too familiar with the idea.

3. Wills, if you and Her Royal Hotness find anything to do after 7 p.m. in Ottawa, can you shoot me a text?

4. While we Canadians do obsess about ice hockey, like hundreds of other Canadians, you might be aware that you're arriving at the beginning of a new season of the Canadian Football League. Canadian football is like American football, only not. Who's your team?

(If you haven't chosen yet, I would suggest the Calgary Stampeders. Our King hails from there, and I hear you'll be attending the event that is the team's namesake. People from those parts are loyal to their teams, and not the biggest fans of gun control. Whatever you do, just don't wear an Edmonton Eskimos jersey. I know. It's politically incorrect but the Edmonton Inuit just doesn't have the same ring.)

5. Asbestos: Pro or Con? We're pro, apparently. When you're chatting about the environment, can you throw in something on the con side of the argument?

6. True or False: Legend has it that Canada Day is a celebration of the Canadian Confederation, which was established on July 1, 1867, but it is actually a celebration of the founding of the Molson Brewery in 1786.

(False: If it was celebrating the establishment of the Molson brewery, then Beer Stores would be open on July 1. However, there is the tradition of the last minute run to a crowded Beer Store in order to ensure one has enough amber to avoid sobriety until they re-open July 2.)

7. I understand that your official titles are the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. Will you be visiting Cambridge while you're here? I assume you've inherited the place, so it would only be good manners to check in.

8. True or False: Most Canadians love Toronto, and hate Ottawa.

(False: Most Canadians hate Toronto and Ottawa. I can understand the latter, but what's not to love about the greatest city in Canada? I wish all those haters could get over their inferiority complexes and just accept we're the best. Except for sports; I'll admit we totally suck on that score.)

According to one itinerary I saw it looks like you won't be seeing the big concert on Friday night. I can't really blame you. Sam Roberts is no Arcade Fire, and they've been a little overexposed lately. I guess the Tragically Hip were booked (yes, they are; they're in Toronto). You should really come back when David Wilcox is in the country. Now that's Canadian, music and Molson.

Anyway, all the best, enjoy yourself while you're here, and whatever you do watch out for the locals.