06/14/2012 08:07 EDT | Updated 08/14/2012 05:12 EDT

A Naturally Anxious Guy's Tips To Relaxation

flickr: ConstructionDealMkting

Life is stressful.

You wake up late. Or you wake up with allergies or a headache. You make it out the door, only to get crushed in the subway, stuck in traffic, or nearly 'doored' on your bike. You get into work, and you are already behind. Sometimes it feels endless. As a naturally depressed and anxious person, here are some things I suggest you do to relax:

  1. Take a walk outside. Even when it's raining. If it is raining, I can come back to work dripping wet and say "holy crap, it's raining out there guys! Why didn't I bring a jacket??" I make a whole thing of it, and stomp over to the washroom. That process usually takes at least 20 minutes out of my day.
  2. Yell and grunt. There are a few socially sanctioned times to yell and grunt, including: biking uphill, moving a boulder, doing bench presses, fighting a dog/wolf/bear, playing football, throwing a discus. Find a reason to do one of these activities, and work out some of that deep rage and frustration.
  3. Have a nap. Maybe you are just tired, and it is making you irritable. Does your workplace have a corner in which you can doze for a quick 15? Snag a nap and wake up peppy!
  4. Get drunk. Now, I actually don't drink anymore because I have a lot of emotional issues I need to deal with, but I fondly recall those days where I would blow off some steam with my friends by drinking too much Sailor Jerry and Coke Zero (note, this post is not sponsored by either brand in any way). When was the last time you got drunk and went dancing? Oh, last night? And the night before? Actually...maybe just rent a movie tonight.
  5. Eat a cupcake. Look: the fact is, cupcakes are delicious. Just eat one. Really get into it. Don't think about calories or anything. Pour yourself into that cupcake and eat that stress away!
  6. Close your eyes and clear your mind. Just like the Ghostbusters (the first one, where they try not to think about anything Gozer could use to destroy the city, but then stupid Ray thinks of the Stay-Puffed Marshmallow Man), try not to think about anything dangerous or stressful.
  7. Have sex or masturbate. Maybe you just have a lot of pent-up sexual frustration. Take care of it and enjoy that temporary feeling of warm euphoria.
  8. Do yoga. I have never done yoga, but people I know who are way more chillaxed than me swear by it. Warning: yoga may cause you to grow a ponytail and wear really tight pants everywhere you go. Also, yoga may lead to energy healing and a belief in the power of 'flower essences.'
  9. Sing karaoke. I love singing karaoke. Find a real power ballad and belt it out. You will feel like a rock star. Stay away from songs that have words like 'tear' or 'ain't no...' in their titles. They are likely sad, and will not help you.
  10. Laugh at yourself. You are a ridiculous person. No really, you are. Don't take yourself too seriously, and life suddenly becomes a lot less stressful.