11/19/2013 12:17 EST | Updated 01/23/2014 06:58 EST

I Love Toronto and That's Why I Want a New Mayor

Hi there.

I am a left-wing nutjob, bicycle-riding, liberal, elitist, Toronto born and raised, university-educated pinko.

Unlike Rob and Doug Ford or Ezra Levant or Don Cherry or the Ford Nation, I love the Pride Parade, the Santa Clause Parade, Caribana and other elitist Toronto events. I want to spend all of your tax-payer dollars on raises for union employees, who are totally lazy, but I think that's great. I love nothing more than spending tax dollars, and then raising taxes like crazy.

I fight dirty, through my friends in the media. Heck, I am the media. I hate reason. I hate freedom. Most of all, I hate Canadian values, the family, criminal justice, and hard-working businessmen (haha...I meant businesspeople! I love political correctness and hate freedom of speech).

What's that? That doesn't sound like a three-dimensional human being? That sounds like a ridiculous caricature?

Oh, well... that's because it is. You see, there are people who like to construct what are called "Straw Men arguments". They use bad logic and hyperbole to create ridiculous scenarios which are easy to skewer, argue against, or otherwise demean. It's the Ann Coulter approach. Heck, it happens on the Left too.

But, I'm a human being Rob, Doug, Don, Ezra. I mean... Don, I saw you at the Gordon Lightfoot show a few months ago. You posed with David Suzuki. And Rob and Doug, I also battled with my weight. I get it. And Ezra, well... we're both Jews. So that's something.

I pay taxes. And I care about people who are poor or mentally ill or have issues with addictions or have to take care of kids or pets and don't have the means to. It's been said that you can judge a city not by how the rich live, but by how we take care of those in need. I think that matters. And Rob, you said you care about the poor... so that matters to you too, right?

I'm fiscally conservative. Yes, it's true! Wow! I think we should prioritize balancing the budget. I believe that's critical... I just went through a lot to get rid of some serious debt a few years back, and I know how that debt can weigh on you. I hate wasted money. Just like you guys.

And yes, I ride a bicycle. I obey the rules of the road (unless it is dangerous for me and I have to, for instance, avoid getting hit by a car by jumping on a sidewalk for a minute). I wear a helmet, and lights at night, and I ding my bell. I am careful. I want the streets to be safer for other people who commute this way, and I don't think that's unreasonable. Do you think it's unreasonable for citizens to want to be safe, guys?

I'm not rich. I'm not elite. I have a BA... not worth all that much. I work hard. I live in an apartment which I share with my partner. Her and I work pretty damn hard, and we're saving money. I've started my own businesses... a few times. I have been working since I was 12 years old. I believe in hard work.

I like sports. I play basketball. Hockey is fun. Go Leafs. Go Toronto FC. Go Argos. Go go get Wiggins next year!

See... you polarize the conversation to distract from issues, and I think that's too bad. See the thing is, I'm human just like you guys. I've made mistakes too. I've been drunk.

But what grinds my gears is when you discount my opinion. Because it's not the same as yours. Because I'm not your kind of person. Well... I'm a tax-payer. And I work hard. I'm a businessman... sorry, businessperson. I'm a citizen of Toronto. Born and raised in this crazy, wonderful place. I'm logical, and I love Toronto. Just as much as anybody.

It's out of love of Toronto that I want a new mayor. Because I'm tired of the lying. That's not a value we share. And the drug use. Sorry guys, I've never used any drugs. Not even pot. Cross my heart.

I'm tired of you spending my tax-dollars. On a ferris wheel. A casino. A subway. What is the next boondoggle, guys? How many billions go out the window, while you cut your friends' taxes and cause the city to scramble for dough?

I'm tired of your bullying behaviour. That's also a value we don't share. I don't like bullies, and I certainly don't want to be represented by them. Here's the thing though, guys: I'm not afraid of you. Not at all.

I'm tired of the manipulation. Of your "Ford Nation". You are actively lying to these people. Your supporters, the people who believe you to such an extent that they are willing to overlook anything. Corruption. Crime. Drugs. Gravy. Crazy. I feel sorry for you, and I feel sorry for the voters who don't seem to know any better.

And I'm not a caricature. I'm a Torontonian who disagrees with you. And it's high time you started listening to us.


Police Surveillance Of Rob Ford