If you have ever been in a toxic relationship, you know how confusing, painful and destructive it makes you feel. It's detrimental to your self-esteem, identity and children. You're about to learn one essential truth about how to break free from this trap of getting yourself into toxic relationships and end this cycle of allowing men to treat you disrespectfully.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.Marilyn Monroe
Most relationships, including the toxic ones, start passionately. The next thing you know things change. You're bombarded by painful bullets of emotional abuse. Being called degrading names. You're feeling broken and in physical agony even when there was no violence. Feeling out of control and always vigilant because you never know when he is going to lash out.
All of these are the red flags of you getting yourself into a toxic relationship. Yet, some choose to ignore it because they get attached to a fantasy or hope that one day everything will miraculously change. Often nothing will change. The longer you wait, the higher the emotional cost of a divorce.
Abuse as a new norm in toxic relationships
Here is the painful truth!
The longer you stay in a toxic relationship, the harder it becomes to leave, especially when children are also involved. But the truth is that you are only hurting your kids and yourself. My mother always says "if you tell a person she is a pig, sooner or later she will start grunting." The same happens in toxic relationships. The longer you stay, the less self-respect, self-belief and self-worth you will have.
You are your rescuer
The only way you can break free from this pattern of getting yourself into another toxic relationship is to face the hot truth. You need to sit down and get honest with yourself. Create a plan on how to get off of that awful ride. Because if you don't do it, no one will do it for you. The longer you stay in this toxic environment and remain a magnet to narcissists, the more desensitized you become to the abuse -- and the more you collude with the abuse.
The interesting part about toxic relationships is that your bank account or your social status don't protect you from getting into them. I work with so many successful women who don't seem to be able to master their love life. In fact, they find themselves in a painful aftermath after divorce. Or they keep allowing men to enter their lives and destroy their self-worth.
Pull yourself out of your toxic relationship
My intention here is to let you know that you are not alone and you're not broken. But you do need to take the necessary steps to wipe out this magnet that is in you, and it attracts these toxic relationships. You deserve this work. It's on you to make an exit plan.
Plus, when children are involved, it exacerbates the urgency for this work. Because trauma that is created by this abuse is passed down to your children. See, some women tell me: "Karolina, I can't afford this, my son/daughter is my top priority right now. I put them first. They are my everything."
Your unhealed trauma should not impact your children
Then, I pause them and ask, "Are you really?" Because if what you say is true then you should be the first in line to do self-healing work, so you don't pass this pain to your children. Because they will repeat your patterns. You can't afford this.
In fact, a recent study published in Nature Neuroscience found that trauma can be passed down through generations. People who experience early childhood trauma, like abuse or war, often exhibit a number of hormonal imbalances. This imbalance stays if trauma is unresolved. It means that the unhealed pain that you're carrying with you will impact the mental health of your children.
Being honest with yourself about the actual reason for your lack of action is the first step. Don't blame your children for that. Overcoming selfishness and honouring the truth is unbelievably powerful.
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