08/19/2011 05:00 EDT | Updated 10/19/2011 05:12 EDT

Don't Buy Gold!

Dear Mrs. Burns (my grade 6 Hebrew school teacher),

I was not retarded, I was unmotivated, in fact I'm a @#$%&* HuffPost writer and my brother is a doctor. You're kid is a busboy at Cultures. My family is better than yours. We win. Deal with it!

Sorry for that, it's a long story...

Dear HuffPost readers,

Even though I am now one of Canada's top journalists. I've never actually read The Huffington Post. The name of this periodical sounds like a 'secret room' in Windsor Castle where royalty sodomizes peacocks! So I never really read it. I don't actually read. The last book I finished was Harold and the purple Crayon. (Yes I know it's sounds like a Dutch porno but it's a children's book!)

Anyways I figure if David Suzuki is on this, I'd better do it. Sorry Dave, your stock just went down because we write for the same site. Oh, one other thing. The world is finished because you can't stop pollution, give up, take a rest. Sir Sams Inn in Halliburton is nice this time of year, I'm sure the taxpayers will put you up for a week. But while you're up there, if you do get bored feel free to scoop the Vachon wrappers out of Head Lake.

Back to business. So now I have to mention news stuff because it gets more hits. So I think I'll call this blog, "Don't buy gold." Truthfully though, it's expensive and if the world goes to hell in a handbasket all you need is a gun to shoot the people with gold and take it... and you might as well spend your money on tangible stuff you can use like iPhone apps.

How many words is that? 192! That's it? Yeech got to write more! I'm doing this for free! Ok, Um, Michael J. Fox just joined The Wiggles....too soon? Sorry. Jeez I'm a little worried that having this type of audience might bring out the worst in me as a writer. I know I'm going to get reamed for unveiling some ridiculous facade in Canada that ignores some basic realities that we (for some reason) abide by. Like nobody admits that the French are rude and that Al Waxman was a pretty bad actor. Like, seriously King of Kensington? Sorry not that great. It's true! Don't get mad at me. But telling the truth in a place were everyone is conservative sucks, it's gonna be tough, HuffPost readers, but I'm gonna do it! so enjoy!

Thanks for listening.

Sir Kenny Hotz Esq.

What? 312 words! That's it?! I need at least 500! Hmmm...

OK, Canadian politics... So boring I have no idea who does what, who is who. Couldn't care less. There is nothing I hate more than sitting in a restaurant and listening to some dude talk about Canadian politics, like seriously what's the point? When I was in high school or school "high" I was forced to read Call us Canadians. This boring book about Mukluks and William Lyon McKenzie was horrible! Canadian politics has to be the most horrific topic any of us could discuss. I recently found the copy of the book I used in grade 8 and mailed it to Bernardo because it's the worst torture I could inflict on an individual.

So here I am writing a column for a periodical that delves into politics. Me writing this is like Billy Van joining Mensa. Ah, Billy Van. Now there's a real Canadian hero! A revolutionary mastermind who gave us Frightenstein even though the show wasn't always amazing, he should be recognized and isn't but Al Waxman is! Welcome to Canada!