12/02/2011 10:59 EST | Updated 02/01/2012 05:12 EST

Ear Hair -- Who Knew?


Time. As I get older and realize that I have less and less time on this Earth, I am getting more and more obsessed with time.

First of all, I am obsessed with what time does to my body. When I was 21, I never thought in a million years that I would have hair on the back of my ears. And speaking of hair, I used to be famous for my hair... Well not famous but I had hair and people knew it.

Now it still looks like I have hair, but I know my hair very, very well, and can see that there is less and less hair every year. And why am I thinning on the side of my head? I've never heard of that before! Why is my hair inventing something new like that? Thank God for my ear hair -- it's covering up the side of my head where I'm losing my real hair.

As I get older, however, my mind doesn't realize that it's happening. I used to be childlike. Now that's turning into the terrible cousin of "childlike" -- "childish." My girlfriend starts a lot of sentences with "For a man your age..." Why do I still listen to new rock and roll? Am I also pathetic as well as childish?

When will the government revoke my "can still listen to new rock and roll" license? As I talk about the merits of the new Down with Webster CD, I want to punch myself in the mouth. The other day I said, "Scott just walked into the restaurant with two old guys," before realizing that the old guys were younger than me.

And what about time? It seems that I used to have time for anything. Everything. I remember when I always used to read and know the lyrics for every album I bought. Now, I couldn't even imagine having the time to do something as frivolous as learning the lyrics to all the songs I listen to. And I don't even know what that time has been replaced with. It's not that I'm busier than I was -- it's more like I suffer from that horrible word: responsibility. I guess I feel that I should be more responsible with my time.

I look at my Things To Do List and I get crippled by it. I have so many things to do that I don't know what to do, so then I find myself sitting, staring into space for a half hour, wondering what to do first. So then I organize my Things To Do List for another half hour. If you look at my Things To Do List, it will read:

1. Deposit cheques.

2. Do laundry.

3. Re-order Things To Do List.

4. Pay bills.

5. Buy new pad for Things To Do List.

6. Call chimney cleaner before winter so you can write up your Things To Do List by a warm fireplace.

I spend more time writing my Things To Do List than I spend doing the things on my Things To Do List.

The hardest time to find was the time to write this blog about time. I just didn't have the time for the time about time. Next time, I simply need to find more time to think about the time so I can write about time.

Anyway, I put down the lyrics to my latest Down With Webster CD and just started writing. Luckily it was on my Things To Do List right after:

7. Memorize lyrics to my Down With Webster CD.