Psychologists teach us three fundamental parenting styles: authoritarian, strictly imposing rules and expecting obedience; permissive, making few demands and using little punishment; and authoritative, a combination of being demanding and responsive: exerting control by setting rules and encouraging open discussion while allowing exceptions.
Popular culture has added a few parenting styles of its own: the tiger, the ultimate authoritarian who expects much and pushes hard; the helicopter, the one who anxiously hovers over their precious offspring so they never have to endure any harm or discomfort; the lawnmower or snow plough, a parent who clears all obstacles from their children's path and "saves" them from pain and inconvenience; and, my favourite, the outsourcer, who pays a plethora of professionals to do parenting for them.
I am frequently asked which parenting style is "best." The short answer is that it depends on what style works best for you and your daughter. For me, personally, I find when I listen to girls and am fully present, they are more likely to "lean in" to any advice I later offer. Recognizing this answer may feel unfulfilling when deciding how to best parent your daughter, I decided a better way to answer this query would be to ask girls themselves and to convey to you what kinds of parenting they felt most hindered them, what they really need in their lives.
Their ideal form of parenting focused more on balance.
I asked several girls I work with, of varying ages, races and socio-economic status, what worked best for them. Although at first they were shy to share, over time, they became more candid with their requests!
The balanced parent
Girls admitted that, yes, they still needed their parents at times for ideas, problem solving, advice and the occasional troubleshooting. They told me they had come to appreciate parents who gave them space to be independent and figure out their own problems, and yet assured them they would always be there for support.
What they did not appreciate as much was feeling they had been left to fend for themselves. Some told me about their parents, who had no rules at all, often told them to "do whatever you want." At first these girls were ecstatic, but they soon came to realize that it felt more like lack of care than effective parenting. Girls missed the rules and structure that guided them and made them feel safe.
Their ideal form of parenting focused more on balance: parents who were there for them, but not too much and certainly not too little — just the right amount.
The empowerer
At the opposite end of the parenting spectrum were the parents who did everything — and I mean everything — for their girls. The young women I spoke with reported how their parents kept track of their homework assignments and upcoming test dates; dentist and doctor appointments; communicated with their teachers on a regular basis; knew all of their friends' names and a few random details about each one; and even had frequent check-ins with their guidance counsellor to ensure they were on track for a successful future.
Girls would tell me these stories with some confusion. They enjoyed that they had no stress and could simply enjoy being a teenager, but they also felt guilty because their parents were doing all their work for them (and taking on the accompanying stress).
When I asked girls what they wanted, they were very clear. They wanted to be in charge of their choices, including their schedule, schoolwork and "life stuff." And although they didn't feel they needed someone to manage every minute detail of their lives, they did recognize that they needed tools to manage themselves. In short, they want to be empowered with the knowledge of what to do and given some encouragement to try on their own.
The attention giver
Many girls, especially teens, often tell me of how their parents try to connect or relate to them. They'll start conversations with "When I was your age...", to which girls have learned to respond with a polite smile, the occasional head nod and "Yes, uh-huh," anxiously waiting for the end of the story. They felt that interrupting their parents' "talk" would only lengthen it, but saying nothing would prompt accusations that they weren't fully engaged.
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Cultural stereotyping has taught girls to be kind and respectful and to hold back on their opinions. They'd never directly say what drives them crazy but, according to my experience, parents talking too much about themselves drives teenaged girls bonkers. This behaviour takes away from her story and what matters most to her. Attention-seeking parents need to remember they are now the attention givers. Girls need attention, time and focus — girls do not want to hear all about you.
There are so many styles and names for parenting, and it can become confusing what kind of parent to be. Let me keep it simple: show up for her, give her your undivided attention and empathetic understanding, and ask her what works best for her, knowing she is maturing and growing into her own identity and independence — even if she still really needs you.
Lindsay Sealey is the author of Growing Strong Girls: Practical Tools to Cultivate Connection in the Preteen Years now available on Amazon and Audible. She is also the founder and CEO of Bold New Girls and lives in Vancouver.
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